ART AND HAPPINESS AND CONFUSION

Ah, art. What a beautiful thing!

Who would believe that after the last set of sad ramblings I actually managed to make something.. This last month or so has been partially wonderfully creative and fulfilling and actually enabled me to take steps towards a future I am excited for, and partially contained some of the worst weeks of my life filled with dread, guilt, shame, existential questioning and hangovers.

Which reminds me- i read a cool quote the other day that said "alcohol is just a way of stealing happiness from tomorrow". Is that not just wow?? It really struck me, like really really struck me. anyway, more on that later (well, probably, who knows...)

So here I shall take the space to shove some art in your face and also discuss the strangeness of this month.

I turned twenty-one in may. that big ol sweet age. I feel good about it actually. No imminent fear of age has befallen me (pretty sure the grammar in that sentence is completely incorrect but u get me bruv).  The actual day of my birth was wonderful. I saw friends, ate good food, sat beneath fairy lights on our balcony and indulged in both. I was treated to the most insane spread of beautiful things, including a record player from my super rad parents!! However, the next night i had a 'party'. This is all i will say. With the morning hangover bearing down on me I spent about three hours crying into a Mcdonalds cheeseburger while my sis (whom I do truly love) yelled at me about getting my life together. This was a less good start to the month. however it did start the beginning of a mini revolution which included a lot of cleaning, buying a bed frame, knuckling down with uni and getting some bloody work done. As well, as some art... Woo!


ALRIGHT HERE WE GO!

basically i decided to start a little personal project, of jotting down some ambiguous lil expressive sketches in one of my notebooks. i started putting them on the gram. people liked them, thank the lord. Then a shop approached me and now my lil pieces sell in Modern manners on K-Road, one of my favourite places. these are some of them..

 

                   




Also, this thing, my first proper painting, so called as it was the first painting that I completed that i did purely for me, not school, or uni etc, sold for some big $$. And reached over 120,000 nots on Tumblr. Although i still have a long long long way to go, my art platforms are growing and it's super encouraging to see people enjoying my work.

Yaayyyy so would you look at that! good things.

Another thing to briefly talk about in this stupidly long post. I have been thinking a lot about the future recently. How radical, I know! I know that my life is not set out the way that the world is. I'm not meant to do what my family have done. I'm not meant to do what is easy. I do not know blindly, but in faith. Maybe things will fall apart and i'll be proven wrong, but why put that out into the world. As Casey Neistat once put it- If you choose to wholeheartedly follow your dreams then there can only be two outcomes. Either you succeed, or in die in the pursuit of something great, and neither of these is failure. Whereas, if you stay inside and let your dreams run away from you, there is a 100% likelihood of never succeeding. so why choose that???

And it is different if your dream is stability, or money, or a house and a hub/wife and children etc, but that is not how my mind operates. I want change and excitement and to experience everything I possibly can and I am willing to risk normalcy for it, as much as I am told that i should care more for stability etc. It's not that i don't understand that money is important. But it is not the most important thing. And really with only one life ahead of you why waste it trying to conform to a system that will only spit you out once your assets have rotted and withered away. I know I'm still part of that, and to a degree it supports me, but to at least open your eyes to it is a start.

Anyway, in more concrete terms: The Future. Next year is a scary prospect as i will be out of uni. i have no savings and little to show for myself other than a slip of paper hahahahahaha BUT, this year i made a friend who has unknowingly changed my perspective on a few things. I would never say this to his face (however if u are reading this you know who u are hunty), but somehow he's made me feel a little braver again and inspired me to BE me, and made me feel good about who that person is. So this year i will be applying for many jobs and internships etc all over, and I have decided to expand those horizons a bit, so we are applying for a joint internship in San Francisco. I know i am far from the best, but god I hope we can get this. I need change constantly and I feel SF would be a pretty good one, and if not, so what, life goes on but YOU KNOW YOU'VE TRIED!!!

I think i've also realised though that getting a job at the end of uni doesn't mean that change/life is over.

Cool. Good stuff, well done. Byeeeeee.

tears for fears

I am a mess right now. this is me, right now. Crying started and now can't be stopped. I started thinking, you see, about this past year. Now that I'm 'home', whatever that means, and suddenly it broke me down.

I'm not sad. it's not even that it's all over. It's just this strange overwhelming feeling, like 'this really all happened to me?', like I didn't make this up in my own head.. I experienced all of this?

Forgetting is scary, and it really really hurts, because sooner or later everything just starts to feel less like something that has happened to you, and more like a story you tell. I have these stories in my head, where I go when I'm bored, and the past 7 months have felt so out-of-body that it feels almost as if it's just another story I made up. These last few years I've developed this frustrating problem with over analysing existence, and the mental place I'm in at the moment says that life is only what is happening to you right now. You cannot be inside a memory, you cannot feel it. Memory has no time, no physicality. But this, this typing, I can feel it, I know it's true. And then life becomes the next moment, and the next, and everything else gets lost. 'Now' will be lost, and it will find another moment to call home.. and I'm not dealing with that all too well.


On another note, I went to a fernery today (-:

BARCELONA!

Holaaaaaaaa. So i´m currently in the gr8 city of Barna (which I´ve learnt is actually pretty tiny), only halfway through my stay, and I am having a wild old time!

By this point I´ve been away almost seven months and am on the homeward stretch, and in my mind I suppose I hadn´t expected to meet people in Barcelona. I´d mapped it out as more of a calm reflection time on the rest of the trip. But, as she does, fate rather threw me a wild card. The people at my hostel are sooo wonderful, and everyone is so like-minded. Rater like when I was in New York, the hostel seems to have grouped together this archetype of people with similar humour and musings and, forgive me for sounding a bit Enid Blighton, a sense of adventure! Both the staff and guests are just a bunch of travellers, and it´s kind of like being in limbo here, where everyones ¿real? lives are on hold, and everyone sort of exists outside the boundaries of normality and completely avoids responsibilty.. needless to say i feel completely at home (-:

To me, being here certainly feels like it has two definitive parts to it- the day and the night. If you´re familiar with the Barcelona lifestyle you´ll know that you enjoy the day untill about 1pm, siesta till about 5, and then return to the waking world ready for the night. The days have been peaceful and full of the culture you´d expect: seeing the Gaudi´s and Sagrada familiar, markets, sunsets, paella, exploring the city by foot and stumbling upon the places that become meaningful to you. However on the flipside, given a few helpings of free sangria and a mojito things get a little spicier, and I now have a shaved head (a sober but hilarious venture attempting to explain an undercut in a five euro cut shop to a perplexed asian bloke who didn´t speak a word of english or espanol), a new macthing stick and poke tat, a fair share of experience with spanish gay bars and so many bruises I can´t even count. I feel free here, and I feel like this is the beginning again.. Writing it down never really lives up to the experience, but I feel like this is the bang I never planned to end with, and I´m so grateful I have.

                           ´got a fresh cut straight out the salon bitch´- President Kanye West

big out

*disclaimer, i wrote this on a pretty bad day, and i had a lot of stuff on my mind that's passed for now. It's potentially a pretty down read, buuut regardless, enjoy..


So, extroversion. It's a weird thing. Commonly mistaken for self confidence or the ability to public speak or for being loud. But no.. Extroversion (for anyone not in the know, bc tbh it wasn't that long ago that I realised my assumptions about its definition were very very wrong..), means being energised by spending time with others, as opposed to introverts energised by time spent alone. Drained by the time spent alone, energised by social activity, woo! I am an extrovert, and gosh it's so great being and extrovert lololol what an exciting life!! How confident and joyous you must be!!1! It's commonly assumed that's extroverts are constantly feeling gr8 and having a wild time, but noooo. I am so extroverted to the point where I can't spend a day on my own without going completely insane. Don't get me wrong, I like being on my own. Nothing like a bit of me time spent painting and reading etc. but after a while it drains me, and I need need need to see people to perk up and feel like I exist again! It's not about validation, simply a chemical response to another's company. And yeah, this sucks. 

Exam season (i.e now) is not a good time for me. Never ever a good time. Bc everyone is studying or at work, and I am not (promise it's bc I always have super early exams, not bc I'm a bad student..), and therefore I am left to my own devices for a while. This constant exposure to only my own company is amplified when in a foreign country, away from friends and family and home comforts. After a few days by myself (it is Wednesday, and I last hung out with someone on Sunday) I really really start to lose it. Today I failed to wash or put on underwear, ate a box of Cheerios, six slices of peanut butter toast and two chocolate oranges, sat in my shower for an exciting change of scenery for a few hours, watched an entire series of a show about british university students (ah the irony). I'm sure for some people that may sound like a dream, a day of peace with no one to bother you, but no. No no. This is a nightmare. There is a humour to this depending on how you look at it, but also a greater problem.. So let's briefly get sad for a moment and discuss this; 

People say that they'll be there for you, that when you really need it they'll help you out, get you what you need. But they don't. When it really comes down to it, a lot of people will flake and they fail and they aren't willing to do anything really. Even if they genuinly do care for you. They won't spare an hour to come by and see you, they won't go to the shop to make sure you have something to eat, they won't check up on you, or call, they won't do anything bc they don't see mental health as that serious. Bc if you wanted to do something you'd get up and do it. But it isn't like that. Granted, a lot of the time people probably just don't realise the seriousness of the situation: it just seems like a funny turn, or a moment of over dramatics, but no. Loneliness, sadness, emptiness- it's serious. We are so ready and able to help someone with a broken body, but not so eager with a broken mind (although that's a whole'nother issue)... I've had times where I have been completely distraught and destructive and in need of a friend, and even though I know they still love me, those closest to me haven't be there. 

Last year during exam season I had another issue going on and in attempts to deal with it sat alone in a children's playground and balled my eyes out, and then stayed in my room for three days, drank only coconut water and didn't eat bc I was mentally imploding {god bless u lydia veltman 4 keeping me hydrated}. However, amidst the duties of revision, to others it's not a priority. And fair enough, their life is their life, and being the reason someone flunks an exam or misses out on something they wanted to do for ages is really shitty. The problem is, I would easily drop everything, an exam, a family event, a night out, if I knew someone needed me. I read a quote once along the lines of "that's the problem with people who mean what they say, they think everyone else does too". I'm definitely in that bracket. If i say I'm there for you, I really am. I don't blame other people for not being the same, everyone grows up with different priorities, but I was always taught that people, and their happiness and wellbeing come first. And to live like that alongside others who don't sucks. Nevertheless, to draw some good from all this sad talk, that's why you hold on to the ones who stick to their word. When the chips are down the people who care will show you, not just tell you. So care for them too.

It's always days like these where this kind of talk comes out. I just go a bit off, inside. I never want anyone to mistake my sad ramblings for sadness.. The majority of the time I am blissfully happy, and life excites me. Even on days like this life excites me! I find positivity easy to exist in, but there is this tiny thing in the back of my mind that's just like.."rach, be sad". A little man slowly digging and chucking stuff out till I'm empty. And I do feel empty quite a bit. Half completely overwhelming joy and half.. Nothing? So yeah, extroversion, mental health.. it's weird. As is basically everything. Woah what a cool insightful point to finish on. I feel like there's more to write but in this state I don't think I'm up for it, so I'll finish up writing for the sake of my personal catharsis, and try to do my best at actually living the life I so ponderously write about. byeeeee *plunges into the abyss*. 

2015

It is 2am, January 1st, 2016. I'm in Versailles. I should be sleeping.

2015 was a strange, crazy year. A year of two halves; the north shore frat house, and Edinburgh exchange. This year taught me to be brave. 2015 was a year for growth, and 2016 is a year for action.

Gotta keep a little faith.

Gotta get a little sleep.

Goodnight 2015 x

GIRL + WORLD = LESSONS LEARNT??

Highlighting and trying to navigate some of the things I think I've learnt on my travels..

 

A few months back and I had never flown internationally without my family. I had never taken a train on my own. I hadn't ever had to look after my own documents and passports, let alone look after myself. Consistent eating, hydration, sleeping, activity. The basics of living, that up until now had never really been my problem. These are the logistics, the technicalities of travel, that I have been taught, or learnt by trial and error. But aside from planes nearly missed and growing airport navigation skills there are surely other experiences and lessons learnt that are less...concrete. These ones, however, are a little trickier to put your finger on.

 

Travelling or not, when you grow up or exist in the ever present period of 'coming of age', you know you are learning but it's so often hard to say what. You feel different, developed, but I find that when people ask what my experiences have taught me I find myself falling a tad short. I'm just trying to figure it out same as everyone.

 

 

I think the travel I've done so far, and even this year of life in general (which has had some bloody trials as anyone close to me knows), has taught me to care less. Hostel hopping proved to me that diving in and being friendly and confident is the only way to meet such incredible people; having very little in the pocket has showed me how kind people are and that sometimes all you need to do is ask for what you're in need of, but also how to survive on very little. There have been so many wonderful souls feeding me and providing me with couches and beds and I couldn't be more grateful. Being away from your own friends proves the importance of letting go of pretences and being open to new friendships and social circumstances; sometimes you will be in situations that make you feel socially awkward or uncomfortable or like you don't know how to act, and the tip is you just have to not care! Don't think about how you come across or what people think of you, bc unless you do something drastically controversial, they probably won't notice your behaviour much anyway. Every time I do something as a result of overthinking I always look back and question how different it could have been if I'd been more relaxed and not trying to please people so much. And it 100% proves to me that that is the way to go forward in life.

 

Even in more superficial ways, I feel like through the travellers I've met and the culture of Edinburgh, which is a beautifully artistic and honest city, that the way you look is not something to worry about. Wear whatever you want because it's your body and your mind, and life really is too short not to wear star stickers on your cheeks bc you think people will care. Ever since cutting off my hair, which was always a weird sort of physical and artificial protection, a reason to feel attractive and feminine, I have felt so much better about the way I look. Literally, I feel better about my body. I'm less afraid to wear weird shit, or paint on some dark lips. Although I didn't love it at first, I felt liberated from the constraints of typical aesthetics of western attractiveness. I'm still making mistakes and I always will. I'm still afraid of things. I can still be terrible socially as I fluctuate between thinking too much and not thinking at all. And I still sometimes question whether people will think I'm weird if I wear children's dungarees all the time (which, yes, they do. But they are just so ridiculously gr8). But I am trying. So yeah, 1. This has taught me how to care less about, well, everything. 

 

 

Número dos or deux, or whatever language I'm using idk, 2. You are never too old. Now maybe this seems like an obvious one but I always struggled with the idea of life running out, or reaching a certain age you have to do everything by, or doing everything you want to do in life, i.e travel, make things, study, fall in love, figure things out, etc etc WHILE YOU ARE A TEENAGER. NO. This is the stupidest, stupidest mindset to have, because you know what? You will still be you while you are doing those things and in a way you will always be a teenager and you will always have this mind and you will always be the you you are right now. There is no end to 'coming of age'. There was so much stuff I wanted to experience while I was younger, things that I wanted by teen self to experience, but I've come to realisation that you literally have your entire life, and anytime is the best time to do something bc there is no limitation on youth, and learning and the mixture of childlike wonder and rebellion that makes life exciting. I may never stop calling myself a teenager, idk. Sometimes I forget that I'm already twenty and not sixteen. But it's only because I have an expectation of what life should be like, and my life and mindset does not fit into my past expectations of what a twenty year old should be (i.e an organised, sheet washing, actual working human who drinks coffee, understands taxes and probably has a boyfriend called Geoffrey or something similarly shit (soz 2 da Geoffrey's out there)).

 

The classic celeb cult doesn't help either- Seeing people (who don't get me wrong, I admire) like Lorde or Tavi Gevinson who have achieved sooo much in only their mid-late teens. They have careers and achievements under their belts and maybe even a sense of self??... And I have three pairs of shoes, 35 unfinished artworks, some salmon I didn't eat last week slowly going off in my fridge and fluctuating body image. And I've learnt that that is FINE. In fact better than fine. The people I've met traveling, especially the wider, rather eclectic set of creatures between 18 and early 30's in my hostel in Brooklyn, have taught me that there is literally no limitation on what you do when. You might be twenty eight and just starting to get your life together and settle down, or you might be twenty one, finishing your first year of the professional work and realising that the other side of the world is calling your name. You can leave school, do camp America, live and work as a waitress for six months, travel India, then go home and go to uni, go on an exchange, move country to get work, settle down somewhere. All of it. Anytime you want. I've met the proof. 

This sort of brings me to the next point, which is actually kind of the same point. Idk (sorry I've said that literally (also sorry) a hundred times), definitive ideas were never my strong suit... But it is this, point number three: Life has no linear path. The way you thought you might do things might be wrong. The idea that you were gonna go to school/uni/work might be wrong. The modern western way of thinking that says this formula is the only way to be happy; It's probably flipping wrong, in case you weren't getting the theme of this section. Similar to what I've said above so I'll be brief, but I've met people who never studied, became baristas, or started making and selling jewellery on the streets, or got internships of the back of pure determination and talent, who are living happy fulfilled lives. I find this so comforting. I find it so comforting to know that I'm only twenty and that there are thirty year olds who didn't realise how they wanted to live their own lives until a few years back. Not bc it makes me feel superior, but bc it reassures me that there are so many people just trying to figure it out. You don't have to pack everything (by which I mean school/uni/work/family etc) in before you're 25. You have literally all the time in the world, and infinite ways of living, that are outside the constraints of expectation. Life is not linear. 

My last lesson learnt for now is perhaps the most simple. And it is that people are the most important thing. No matter where you are or what you are doing it is the people that will stick in your mind and make your day. Given all the places I've been, I thought by now I would have at least been to the Empire State Building and seen Big Ben or gone away to explore the highlands, but no. And I never regret not doing those things, bc I know what I have is just as, if not more, valuable. I get caught up on the people, in the movement and excitement, not the sightseeing and blatant instagram-tourist-bingo. Yes it's amazing to see so many wonderful places but everywhere I go I find myself distracted from the plans I had by the company I'm in. Doing things alone is great and provides learning of its own, but what really makes an experience is who you share it with. The creases round the corner of laughing mouth or the feeling of someone's arms around you are so so much more memorable to me than any monument ever could be. People are the most important thing. Always always always..

 

...

So that's what I think I've learnt.

Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself, I don't know..

EDINBURGH SO FAR. WOO!

Edinburgh.. Oh sweet edinburgh. Half way through my time here and I have written very very little because I have been caught in a flurry of living and fearing and feeling and seeing and meeting, and it has been absolute insanity.. Although as things are not yet over (if there is such a thing) I'm definitely a bit out of sorts when it comes to drawing conclusions and reflecting.. The increase in alcohol and decrease in sleep probably haven't helped in terms of staying sharp with a pen but eh, you live ya life.

I know it's been a while since I wrote or posted anything in real time, but imma give it a try. The problem is I always wanted this to be somewhere where I could write everything, a place of catharsis and lessons learnt, but recently it's felt too difficult to articulate fully how I feel about anything. And I suppose in part I am afraid at the thought of people actually reading the things I have to say, or the things I have to say about them. 

So instead of trying to write something  meaningful I'm just gonna list some things that have happened so far that amuse me. Not the big moments or memories, just the small things that capture how this feels for me... Honestly it's always the tiniest things, some of these are just things I want to remember for my own sake, and, to me, some of these are hilarious, so yolo. 

  

- The time I made Dan and Bryan my beautiful flatties walk an hour with me to buy discounted nikes in a different suburb because I am a terrible friend.

- Making extra efforts to appear friendly and domestic by cooking spag in a lovely lil Edinburgh flat for a bunch of boys I had no idea would end up boing some of my closest friends here. It's weird when you realise you met someone before you thought you'd met them, oh how first impressions are wrong haha.

- Being (almost) thrown out of a two storey high window.

- Making salmon all the time. This is significant enough to merit a mention. It's literally all I eat and I need to be stopped.

- Also pesto.

- Wathcing all of Blue Mountain State for like three days straight with Will and Jamie. Couch memz <3

- Just disappearing and having everyone wondering where I went.. A terrible charcter flaw but one of my favourite things to do is just leave for a few days and not let anyone know where. A rare chance to have something that's completely your own.

- First lil sainsburys shop and picnic with Immy and Bea in the meadows.

- Spending a socially unacceptable amount of time with Pippa in lovecrumbs divulging all the dirty deets of Ed. Grassmarket fish and chips afterwards in the meadows, joined by Saul who told us about the time he wrote a massively tragic love song for a girl and then sung it in front of her and her boyfriend. The best.

- Tears (for once, not mine), on beds, post party.

- That time I used Imogens deodorant as dry shampoo.

- Some cold, quiet and scary walks through marchmont and the meadows at night.. and all the hours prior..

- Endless bottles of £4.25 Soave, Sainsbury's best.

- Going to sainsburys with Will dressed only in a blanket and looking super classy and unsuspicious.

- Climbing Arthur's seat with the irish gang and taking my incredible marks and spencers stir fry to the highest point in Edinburgh bc yolo.

-Itchy feet! And pre itchy feet glamour transforming from red jumper and jeans into v suave and tight lbd. Thanks Pip.

- First ever cheeky nandos

- Lazy mornings lying in.. I look back in longing at the time I could rise from bed before eleven.

- Horrible flat harmonising and singing On My Way over and over and over and over... Never fails to make me smile (:

- That time me, Jam and Caroline all slept in her bed and Jamie clapping like an actual child when I brought him a cookie: genuinely hilarious.

- Making the poshest drunk meal of cream cheese and salmon on toast with Jamie after a night at Hive.

- Playing 21 (the actual best drinking game ever) with everyone on jams mattress, which was obvs not on the bed bc reasons.

-The first time I went to Rachel's, listening to the 1975 on vinyl and talking about all of our various probs hahaha, truly truly love that girl.

- Going to soap box slam poetry!

- Performing for the first time and being met with the most incredible reaction. Honestly so amazing and exhilarating. I really do feel blessed to have been able to share and to have had such an affect on people and to have so many girls come up to me afterwards and talk about their experiences.

- The people who lived in my room last year coming in drunk and staying for about half an hour while I was completely naked under my duvet. Defs a lesson in door locking.  

- Snuggling up with hot choc, Dominoes and The Dreamers with Rachy in her beautiful little apartment.

- Taking a heavenly break from da club Why Not and eating inappropriately large amounts of maccas with Sarah smith.

- The terrible few hours of having completely yellow hair in a failed bleaching attempt, and the humility building experience of walking an hour in the rain to the nearest chemist to sort it out. Shortly followed by the joys of an accidental perfect hue.

- Getting ollies mop and picking out his sisters birthday present in jewellery shops while he was potentially still v drunk hahaha. Well done.

- That absolutely flipping hilarious photo from Bongos.

- Weekend in Norwich. Paintball. Trapped in the closet. Very loudly saying a very very bad word in a fancy restaurant surrounded by disapproving old people. The queen <3 <3

-  That time I wore Yves Saint Laurent to Hive. As in jewellery from the incredibly beautiful design house YSL, to potentially the filthiest club in Edinburgh.. Which also by coincidence happens to be my favourite. I love gross. Disgust me please. Ah what a night.

- Halloweeeen. getting dressed up and getting down at potterow. having amazing friends who protect us from sleazy drunk boys. Alex's hilariously regrettable Abraham Lincoln costume.

- The questions game at Jamie and Frans birthday. All the secrets out. Imogen hilariously bad at thinking on the spot.

-Excited sing alongs and wig play with rach while we booked our Paris tickets! 

- All the mist.
- Seeing the Japanese house live in Glasgow. Absoluetly amazing.

- That weird time I walked past a pagan cult meeting in the meadows lololol.

- Much back cracking and various other homo-erotic action with baes.

- Forcing Alex P to lie down on the floor with me in Why Not and discovering the wonders of looking up. Preferably before being yelled at by security heh.

- The long, hilarious and cathartic walk to kebab king with darling Imogen in need to escape from a dramatic night haha. Nothing tastes as good as cheesy chips at 3 in the morning.

Hmmm...

x