in the flat...

There's no lie that I'm finding my first year flatting a bit tricky and it makes me quite anxious quite a lot. Living with seven boys may not have been the greatest choice. BUT, there is something weirdly peaceful about it sometimes. Jackson took a few nice snaps the other night when Eilis came around and we were playing with fire. They ended up quite cool, so here they are..

(lets play a fun game called how many times did Rachel say 'quite' in one paragraph.)

Groovy groovy, gonna go eat some muesli.

x

NIGHT DRIVING

I miss home a lot sometimes, and I miss spaces like this.

I like nighttime and how it makes people act and how the sky looks like 100 different paintings all in ten minutes. This is a video I made of me and OlLie just having a drive and a wander round the park. And this song man, something about it just gets me.

humming

she broke her bones and she broke her bones
a powder; softer, but coarse from its past
smaller and smaller it became
until she was ash in the hands of others.

NOT YOURS NEVER WAS

I have always been attached to, but never published these pictures of my friend Ruby that I took a year or two ago. They focus on the strength of women, regardless of what we go through in life- so I figured today was a good day to let them into the world.

Inwards and Onwards

*personal ramblings ahead*

This is the year that I destroy myself. Strip back. Be broken. Tear things apart in order to move on and be something better. Onwards and upwards, first looking inwards.

My current living situation has got me in a strange place. It is so unfamiliar and alienated and I definitely don't quite feel like myself here. However what it has made me realise, is that sometimes you need to feel uncomfortable, and have a period of time that forces you to focus on yourself, and small happinesses- growing things, reading, studying, eating well. Input into your life in the future, as opposed to living completely in the moment, which is usually where I stand. All ready I've faced some small personal challenges that I know are really good for me in the long run, like driving routes I don't know (don't ask me why I struggle with this so much...), and eating muesli (again, please haha). Being challenged I suppose forces you to rely on yourself and trust your own abilities.

I have a strange habit or forcing myself to be uncomfortable. I get bored, and when things get too easy and placid, I always have to mess things up again. I don't know why but I really can't handle being too 'comfortable'... I am also far too impulsive. A few days ago I cut my waist length hair off on a whim, and it now just grazes my shoulders. It's not great looks wise, but god it feels good to just change and do something. I'm sure I won't be hearing much more "What amazing hair you have!"/"You are so lucky to have such beautiful hair" type comments, but that's okay. It's odd how much it seems to mean to me, but having cut it off, I realised how much I relied on my hair to look good, and used it as protection. Having a massive sheet of hair became a safety net for me- it was 'pretty' and 'feminine' and OTHER PEOPLE LIKED IT. So I've ruined it. And it feels really good.

I don't think I have much else to say, but writing down how I feel always sort of cements things in my brain.

Side note: I am in love with this- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgeKHTcufLY

Awesome cool, what a cool blog post omg.

x

HOME.

It's been bothering me for a while now that I feel like I've stopped creating things. I'm such a procrastinator but have also caught my self out making a lot of fair-weather excuses, like not having the time, or equipment, or people to film/photograph. One of my absolute loves is editing- I just find it so relaxing/comforting/satisfying. 

So yesterday instead of dreaming of the 'big things' I want to one day achieve I decided to start with a little thing... So I got out my camera and decided that it was time to just film, whatever was around me, no excuses. And this is what I ended up with... 

I guess my message to myself is to stop pushing oppurtunies away and to stop waiting for things to happen. If you really want to create so badly, then why aren't you. So now, you are.

x

Resolutions..

Sunday 4th,  January of the new year, 2015.

I'm not really big on the new years fresh start/resolutions thing, but I have jotted down a few things that I'd like to keep in mind over the year...

1. DO ALL THE THINGS! 

    - I can't remember who was the first person I heard saying this (maybe Louise, SprinkleOfGlitter), but I thought it was just such a funny and real way of phrasing the 'yes-man' idea. Say yes to more things, be more open to frightening experiences, relax and engage with people who you do not know but one day might. There is no better way to expand your life than to dive into it with reckless abandon.

2. SAY NO.

    - Perhaps a little confusingly contradictory, but this one is to remember that saying no is completely okay and sometimes good for your mental health and wellbeing. If something is stressing you and making you anxious then you are allowed to retreat if purely for your own peace of mind. Never do anything because someone else wants or expects you too, only do as you want.

3. REVEAL LITTLE, STAY OPEN.

    - I read something once along the lines of 'reveal almost nothing about yourself, it drives people insane', so this becomes the first part of the resolution... Being mysterious is one of my greatest trials as I am such a brash and open book, and the first time I meet someone I basically recount my entire life story, fears, secrets, and speculations for the future. But there is something really special about someone who keeps a lil more just to themselves, and an intrigue that drives you to get to know them. The second part is to still remain honest and open and truthful, tell everything, but only to some! Choose widely who you share your everything with. So essentially, still be your true self around everyone, but in doses, I suppose..? Be selective about who you tell all the gritty detail of your life. Very Parisian!

4. Mini creative resolutions.
    - more photography
    - make more films
    - get involved in more theatre!
    - sing more
    -write more
    -pray more

5...
    -The last one is a little different from my usual whimsical words- and that is go get fit! However, within a very specific boundary. As of tomorrow I am starting the Kayla Itsines BBG workout guid thingy's and plan to STICK THE HELL WITH IT!!!! So hopefully I'll see some great change on a body I haven't been too happy with of late. With a body that's fitter and stronger I m hoping I'll feel less tired and fatigued all the time and also that I'll finally feel confident to dress the way I do in my head.

I have a real feeling about this year, that I've never had about any other before it. So here's to potential, commitment, honesty, mystery, happiness and hopefully a spectacular year x

(pic is Belle in Suzi's old kitchen, 2012)