NEW YORK NEW YORK (/go me I didn't cry)

There is a bruise the size of the moon covering my right eye and my neck feels as if it can barely hold up my head, but I could not be happier to carry these souvenirs with me as I exit New York and sit now in Frankfurt airport. Flip, it's been wild. 

Simultaneously one of the longest and shortest weeks of my life- hours of lounging with beers and marlboro and gr8 m8's in my hostel home, long walks of the high line and sprawling squares, and almost imaginary nights illegally staking out rooftop bars in Manhattan  and underground gigs in smokey Brooklyn basements. I've fallen in love with the place, I've fallen in love with the people (both as individuals, and as the traveller archetype). I want more, but I almost want to never go back, because as S.Coppola so delightfully sums it up, "it could never be this wonderful again". 

Maybe I'm over exaggerating due to severe jet lag/ semi-permanent haze of nostalgia/post LA feels- BUT as far as I know so far, every midnight playing pretend as an over-twenty-one in some place I shouldn't be (sorry mum), and every day laughing till your teeth hurt have come together to create one of the most unforgettable experiences I am yet to experience. 

Granted, there have still been lots of swollen feet, exasperated sighs, long goodbyes and lengthy moments of dig rustled indecision, but as my first time in the big apple, travelling solo, and experiencing #hostellifelol it's been pretty easy to let them pass. A slightly less joyful experience for example, has been the 24 hour hangover I am currently at the end of. Last night a usual evening drinks progressed into a metal gig in the basement bar and I went full 14 year old boy and thrashed myself until I could barely breathe. Turns out the easiest way to look tough in Brooklyn is by smashing your face into someone else's knee and giving yourself a black eye. Go Rach! Needless to say I was the only girl who decided to mosh with a group of twenty something men, and potentially came out worse, but (!), sweet lord it was amazing haha. We then moved to a club in Brooklyn for a good groove before stumbling home. I am feeling the painful repercussions of throwing your head back and forth so many times it's surprising your neck doesn't break on the spot, and that's certainly no reason to change what went down. But that's a thing that I love: you end up in a stupidly spontaneous environment where everyone is willing to forgive and never forget all the wonderful things you end up doing. You just start nodding, soaking in the vibes of those around you, and saying 'yeah, this is it. This is life'. 

I adored seeing time square at night, and crossing Brooklyn Bridge, or seeing Central Park, but all of this would be nothing without the people you meet who make your days. The piss has already been ripped on this one, as in a moment of sentimentality I told everyone I didn't think I'd make 'friends like this', but idc! You gotta let people know when you love 'em. Although I've been told that you will find people like this everywhere in every hostel in the world, these people will always be my first. So thanks. But if any of you are actually reading this I'm kidding, u guys suck lol. ha ha.. (Pls ignore my kind little heart).

That's the thing that's great about hostels; provided that you actually go down for breakfast everyday and stake out your place at a table and get talking then you are bound to find some people and make some plans and end up having a wonderful day (top tip, it's actually kinda cool to plan nothing in advance and not book yourself up so you can do stuff with the people you meet). But just start by saying hello! My first interaction with my soon-to-be squad (yes, I just went there) was an awkward encounter that involved my avoiding eye contact, staring directly into the cup I was carrying and mumbling something about 'familiar accents'. Again I've had enough mocking for this haha. BUT, All it takes is ten seconds of being a weirdo and then there you are, talking to people, laughing with people. Making friends. Ye$ iT is th@t easy!!1! Then all of a sudden you find yourself feeling like the people you've spend the last few days with are the people you've known your whole life. Forced comfort. It's weird like that. But somehow it works. You're connected too, suddenly a mini network has sprung up all around with world with places to stay and people to call, people who actually want you there! A fave memory with my three day clan is taking shots of whiskey and pickle juice in a burger bar. Never will I did that taste from my mouth nor the memories from my mind. Never. 

Shout outs to Eilish for being the ultimate hilarious lady friend and experienced traveller helping me navigate this scary world, to Scott, John and John for the most horrific storytime sessions and laughs in a game of Never Have I Ever, and to Joe for having the best laugh if the world. Ah ah ah ah ah 😘 

I will finish with this (which tbh is about to be a bunch of thought I have not yet formulated, so forgive me if my marvellous conclusion turns out completely shit). We visited the 9/11 memorial which was completely overwhelming, devastating and surprisingly meaningful given the emotional distance I thought I had from it (I know that sounds odd, but as a seven year old, or any age really, I don't think you grasp the gravity of that type of situation). I would highly, highly recommend a visit to the memorial museum if you're in New York. Of all the things I took from it, one seems to me to be relevant here. The number of scrawled notes, answering machine messages and recorded phone calls to or from the dead expressing real honest love and hope certainly made me reevaluate how scared we are to say we care about one another in the plain light of day. But you just have to. Tell people things, go places, do stuff, bc as shitty as this sounds we really don't know when life will be over, and the world deserves to know how you feel about it. Breathe in every last scent you can and kiss every person on the cheek you meet. Don't get me wrong, don't just be a massive sop, bc ew emotions, and I'm not talking about massive declarations of love bc also, ew love. However, it really did strike me how much people, in there last moments, found it so easy to say how they felt about each other. No wasting breath trying to be anything else but human.

I don't really know where this ended up, but yeah. It's been amazing. New York hit me with everything I never expected and one day at a time the world is teaching me to just be a person again, be a child in wonder. And it feels really really good. 

LA days 1-4 (i.e. I am scared and excited in four parts..)

If ever there was a time that the phrase emotional roller coaster was applicable, this my friends, is it. There have been wild days at the beach, sleepy wondering a of the city alone, tears nearly every night, and some surreal dream time down by the pool...

PART 1- FIRST IMPRESSIONS 

When I first arrived, delightfully sweaty and dressed to the 9's in winter coat and snood (thanks mum), I was hit instantly with the heat, and the bright blaze of the sun, and in some delirium managed to find a taxi and make my way to my friend Sigourneys apartment. It is a strange strange city to peer at from the back of a cab, so large and almost desolate, despite the mass of buildings and people. All the buildings are the same beige stucco plaster, and the cars so much wealthier than their owners. 

Needless to say on arrival I had the unpleasant and almost overwhelming feeling that this was not the place for me, and with a whole week ahead of me I started shitting myself about being stuck here so long. I've cried everyday since I arrived (more on that later) and still do find LA a little soulless, BUT by embracing this opportunity, with the help of an amazing friend, and some time spent alone I have found the aspects of LA that I really enjoy. A day in Santa Monica, and SM pier had me blissfully smiling and settling down on the sunny beach, feeling a little more at home for the first time. Learning how to navigate the area I'm in myself has given me a lot more confidence in my ability to survive. Although I can say with a firm nod that LA isn't the place for me, getting a glimpse at the reality of LA life is what makes it worth it.

PART 2- AN INSTA TELLS 1000 WORDS..

This brings me to my first point... Reality. It is hard to explain via writing or phone calls or anything else that it is possible to be having an amazing time, but not all of it is beautiful and not all of it is laughter, and a lot of it has been sent sitting on random park benches or the balcony, crying into my all-bran and soy milk. I don't want people to think I'm not having a good time- because I am- but I also would not want people to base their views on this experience based on a couple of pictures online. Pictures are shit. 

Yes I have been to, and photographed, some beautiful places, and yes I have enjoyed being there.. buuuut, I myself am trying to live up to the image of LA that I have seen through others, and trying to find those special places and moments. I have walked past a lot of dead squirrels suffering heatstroke, been lost alone at night trying to find home and received snaggle-toothed grimaces from the homeless- but as this does not line up with my mental image of LA and with the LA that makes me happy, I don't want to photograph it and try to remember it. It's all been said 100 times before, but everything's better in the pictures. It's not that the amazing moment captured on camera didn't happen, but that an equal amount of underwhelming things probably occurred too. My feelings on this are beginning to cloud my head up a little right now so I will move on for my own sake! 

PART 3- WORLD ALONE

The second musing on my mind while I've been here is that people beat places every time. The people I have met on the streets as I struggle with IPhone navigator and the cars I have aimlessly walked in front of have all been lovely. I have been shocked by how nice and helpful they are because I feel like it goes against the American stereotypes I have heard. I am also so so so lucky to have such a wonderful friend letting me kip on their couch and being such a fantastic host. However, it is not quite enough. 

I would consider myself an extrovert, I am energised by social gatherings and long conversation and random talkative encounters. Whereas introverts are energised by time alone. I am energised when I'm with people. Lots of them. New, old, anything. But with no large group of friends to call upon out here, I do feel a little lost. There is no one to charge my batteries per say, because it's a job for more than one. It's not about who the person is or what they can offer, it's just about the importance of company. And LA is not were you want to be positioned with this in mind. I am so so looking forward to settling down in the UK and meeting up with old friends and finding new ones bc I just neeeeed people hahaha. 

Isolation is one of the oddest experiences when you're extroverted because it's easy to feel a little out of sorts. It's scary to think as well that I will physically be so far from the people I love fore such a long time. Although I thought I'd had this realisation mentally, it wasn't until yesterday where it really it me emotionally and I couldn't stop that numbing buzz of awareness. Consciously I think I'm fine and then suddenly I can't really hear anything and I realise I've been for the last ten minutes. I'm a firm believer in feeling things though. It is always better to feel. Experience is how we develop understanding, and that's all I'm after in this world really. Just trying to understand some stuff. I guess, everything's a bit hazy when you're on your own, but it's good. It's all good. 

PART 4- THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE INTERNET FAMOUS.

Moving to some slightly less drifty subject matter, yesterday and today I had to very odd encounters. Both exciting, both lucky, and v v cool, but undoubtedly two very very different experiences... After deciding to go to LACMA yesterday, and before walking for twenty minutes in the wrong direction, I made my way to the museum and bought myself a ticket, ready set for an exciting day or art. Kanye Wests new video was exclusively premiering which was siiick, but bc I'm not a fan of big crowds I wondered over to a less crowded building displaying 25 pieces gifted to the museum. And then there, in this empty space, who am I to see, looking tall and sleek and so much better in real life, but also exactly as you'd expect them to look, Dan and Phil (u can google them if ya don't know). 

Now, I really enjoy their videos, and their radio show, and am aware of there ridiculously mounting fame, but I wouldn't consider myself to be a MASSIVE fan. My reaction was completely the opposite of how I ever expected to act in this kind of situation. My heart just dropped and I just sort of stared at them.. Soo coool and chilllll. I think they noticed me bc I just stopped moving. U got it rach, leave 'em wanting more. I talked to them for a couple of minutes and dan asked if I wanted a photo and helped me with my phone bc my hand was shaking (ooh yeah, sexy.) and then we both moved on. Basically, they were so nice and friendly, and did I mention tall??? But it completely threw me off for the rest of my time at the museum. It was so weird to get this brief hit of like 'HI! YOU BASICALLY JUST MET THE INTERNET', but for what ever reason it got me really flustered and I just didn't really feel like I said what I wanted to say and used the opportunity to make something. It was a tricky thing bc people started gathering while I talked to them and I'm sure they didn't want too much attention, but it left me feeling so off for the rest of the day and thinking about all the things I could've said. 


On the opposite end of the scale, today I bumped into a real role model of mine, Louise Pentland (Sprinkleofglitter) while we were both alone and lost in the mall. I felt totally happy and comfortable to go up to her and say hi, and you know what? It was bloody fantastic. We walked and talked for about half an hour and she even bought me a cake pop at Starbucks. And it was so nice because IT JUST FELT REAL! As surreal as it was, it felt nice to just find someone who was also feeling a little lost in LA and who was going through some similar things it seemed. I adored it, I adored her in real life and it put me in a far far better headspace (SO THANK YOU LOUISE!). That moment is something I will definitely remember for a long old time. 

So. 

LA. The big Los Ang. The city of angels (incredibly debatable). 

LA.

Essentially, I'm a bit burnt, a bit teary eyed, and a bit hungry for some food and for some life, but through it all I'm finding something just a bit wonderful. 

4 days till LA (also known as, 'feelings are weird')

 


Do you ever close your eyes, and it really is as if you can hear the sound of the ocean. A roaring, thunder, as if your head really is caving in. I've spent the last hour in tears, reasons for which I cannot explain. Crying happens a lot these days, and I think that's just a part of growing up, perhaps. Realising that you are feeling things. Attempting to comprehend emotions, the in-goings and outgoings of existing. Realising actions have consequences, but being left with the question of what it is all worth.

Life has always felt a little scary-and feeling's weird, and though I am not afraid of it, there is something about being forced to live that can bring on full blown breakdown. I think today that's one of the mini epiphanies I have experienced. It's not the thought of never doing anything that's scary; it's actually getting up and moving and, well, doing stuff (for want of better words). We (am I projecting??) spend so long just sitting around pretending to live and dreaming of the things we'd rather be doing, promising ourselves that we'd jump at the opportunity to see our fantasies actualise. But when they do? That's when things get a bit frightening, because then life no longer has to live up to your expectations, but you have to live up to your life. You have to get out, you might leave people, you have to plunge headfirst into the unknown, often the uncomfortable. And all the while there's this inch of a whisper, asking what if I leap and don't land. What if you get given all your chances, and you fuck it up. My hope is that this will not be the case, but one can't help but wonder. Fear of failure and rejection is the most common among humans, and it takes more effort than imaginable to bury it fully- to dig up the ground beneath you, hide away your fears under damp earth and dance on it.

It's all these kind of thoughts that get to me, that mess with my head and leave me with damp eyes. These are the things that really frighten me.

Six months is only a short time. A blink and you've missed it/'oh how time flies' type of thing. But the oddity off a short time is that soon enough it becomes a long time, and suddenly you're looking back and you've realised years have passed. You're not a twenty year old breathing deeply before her computer screen, you don't laugh with the same lungs, or stare at the same walls. Perhaps you've moved on. Perhaps everyone else has. People have died, tears have been shed, lines have settled and life still hasn't been lived. One day you look back and realise time was passing all along, and that the people you loved were slowly forgetting each others names. With this in mind, it is important to look at a short period of time not just as a blip in your existence... but a seed. Which in itself is frightening, because again it requires something of you, it asks you to tend to life and to take action, which of course also means there is possibility of inevitable failure. It also means that you might end up growing in a direction you did not expect, and then still you end up apart from those you love, but at least you've gone somewhere. Who knows where it may take you.. a 'short time' is not an excuse to leave your life behind only to walk back to the mundane after some months of "freedom". It's a start. If you want it to be. And who knows what I want.

I've been musing on the expression 'out of the woods'. I think it's pretty apt really when existence is concerned. As with a forest, in life we are occasionally gifted with glimpses are the starry night. A glimpse at an endless eternity, time, something ethereal. Beneath a heavy canopy dappled patches of sunlight dance around, tease and taunt, as do our brief moments in the sun. A glimpse of the clearing. Revelation. I think we spend our whole lives in the woods really, and it's not until the very very end we find our way out. Then bathed in golden understanding we turn back to see everything we've walked through. Maybe we'll realise all the tears were worth it. At least they showed us something...

So...

Life is scary. Feelings are weird. Time is... let's not even go there. Just, god, move. get up and move and dance on it and feel stuff, because it is better than being twenty forever on the cusp of things and too afraid to lean that little bit forward. Don't make the mountain your enemy. Get out. Get up there instead.

in the flat...

There's no lie that I'm finding my first year flatting a bit tricky and it makes me quite anxious quite a lot. Living with seven boys may not have been the greatest choice. BUT, there is something weirdly peaceful about it sometimes. Jackson took a few nice snaps the other night when Eilis came around and we were playing with fire. They ended up quite cool, so here they are..

(lets play a fun game called how many times did Rachel say 'quite' in one paragraph.)

Groovy groovy, gonna go eat some muesli.

x

NIGHT DRIVING

I miss home a lot sometimes, and I miss spaces like this.

I like nighttime and how it makes people act and how the sky looks like 100 different paintings all in ten minutes. This is a video I made of me and OlLie just having a drive and a wander round the park. And this song man, something about it just gets me.

humming

she broke her bones and she broke her bones
a powder; softer, but coarse from its past
smaller and smaller it became
until she was ash in the hands of others.

NOT YOURS NEVER WAS

I have always been attached to, but never published these pictures of my friend Ruby that I took a year or two ago. They focus on the strength of women, regardless of what we go through in life- so I figured today was a good day to let them into the world.