*personal ramblings ahead*
This is the year that I destroy myself. Strip back. Be broken. Tear things apart in order to move on and be something better. Onwards and upwards, first looking inwards.
My current living situation has got me in a strange place. It is so unfamiliar and alienated and I definitely don't quite feel like myself here. However what it has made me realise, is that sometimes you need to feel uncomfortable, and have a period of time that forces you to focus on yourself, and small happinesses- growing things, reading, studying, eating well. Input into your life in the future, as opposed to living completely in the moment, which is usually where I stand. All ready I've faced some small personal challenges that I know are really good for me in the long run, like driving routes I don't know (don't ask me why I struggle with this so much...), and eating muesli (again, please haha). Being challenged I suppose forces you to rely on yourself and trust your own abilities.
I have a strange habit or forcing myself to be uncomfortable. I get bored, and when things get too easy and placid, I always have to mess things up again. I don't know why but I really can't handle being too 'comfortable'... I am also far too impulsive. A few days ago I cut my waist length hair off on a whim, and it now just grazes my shoulders. It's not great looks wise, but god it feels good to just change and do something. I'm sure I won't be hearing much more "What amazing hair you have!"/"You are so lucky to have such beautiful hair" type comments, but that's okay. It's odd how much it seems to mean to me, but having cut it off, I realised how much I relied on my hair to look good, and used it as protection. Having a massive sheet of hair became a safety net for me- it was 'pretty' and 'feminine' and OTHER PEOPLE LIKED IT. So I've ruined it. And it feels really good.
I don't think I have much else to say, but writing down how I feel always sort of cements things in my brain.
Side note: I am in love with this- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgeKHTcufLY
Awesome cool, what a cool blog post omg.
x
