ART AND HAPPINESS AND CONFUSION

Ah, art. What a beautiful thing!

Who would believe that after the last set of sad ramblings I actually managed to make something.. This last month or so has been partially wonderfully creative and fulfilling and actually enabled me to take steps towards a future I am excited for, and partially contained some of the worst weeks of my life filled with dread, guilt, shame, existential questioning and hangovers.

Which reminds me- i read a cool quote the other day that said "alcohol is just a way of stealing happiness from tomorrow". Is that not just wow?? It really struck me, like really really struck me. anyway, more on that later (well, probably, who knows...)

So here I shall take the space to shove some art in your face and also discuss the strangeness of this month.

I turned twenty-one in may. that big ol sweet age. I feel good about it actually. No imminent fear of age has befallen me (pretty sure the grammar in that sentence is completely incorrect but u get me bruv).  The actual day of my birth was wonderful. I saw friends, ate good food, sat beneath fairy lights on our balcony and indulged in both. I was treated to the most insane spread of beautiful things, including a record player from my super rad parents!! However, the next night i had a 'party'. This is all i will say. With the morning hangover bearing down on me I spent about three hours crying into a Mcdonalds cheeseburger while my sis (whom I do truly love) yelled at me about getting my life together. This was a less good start to the month. however it did start the beginning of a mini revolution which included a lot of cleaning, buying a bed frame, knuckling down with uni and getting some bloody work done. As well, as some art... Woo!


ALRIGHT HERE WE GO!

basically i decided to start a little personal project, of jotting down some ambiguous lil expressive sketches in one of my notebooks. i started putting them on the gram. people liked them, thank the lord. Then a shop approached me and now my lil pieces sell in Modern manners on K-Road, one of my favourite places. these are some of them..

 

                   




Also, this thing, my first proper painting, so called as it was the first painting that I completed that i did purely for me, not school, or uni etc, sold for some big $$. And reached over 120,000 nots on Tumblr. Although i still have a long long long way to go, my art platforms are growing and it's super encouraging to see people enjoying my work.

Yaayyyy so would you look at that! good things.

Another thing to briefly talk about in this stupidly long post. I have been thinking a lot about the future recently. How radical, I know! I know that my life is not set out the way that the world is. I'm not meant to do what my family have done. I'm not meant to do what is easy. I do not know blindly, but in faith. Maybe things will fall apart and i'll be proven wrong, but why put that out into the world. As Casey Neistat once put it- If you choose to wholeheartedly follow your dreams then there can only be two outcomes. Either you succeed, or in die in the pursuit of something great, and neither of these is failure. Whereas, if you stay inside and let your dreams run away from you, there is a 100% likelihood of never succeeding. so why choose that???

And it is different if your dream is stability, or money, or a house and a hub/wife and children etc, but that is not how my mind operates. I want change and excitement and to experience everything I possibly can and I am willing to risk normalcy for it, as much as I am told that i should care more for stability etc. It's not that i don't understand that money is important. But it is not the most important thing. And really with only one life ahead of you why waste it trying to conform to a system that will only spit you out once your assets have rotted and withered away. I know I'm still part of that, and to a degree it supports me, but to at least open your eyes to it is a start.

Anyway, in more concrete terms: The Future. Next year is a scary prospect as i will be out of uni. i have no savings and little to show for myself other than a slip of paper hahahahahaha BUT, this year i made a friend who has unknowingly changed my perspective on a few things. I would never say this to his face (however if u are reading this you know who u are hunty), but somehow he's made me feel a little braver again and inspired me to BE me, and made me feel good about who that person is. So this year i will be applying for many jobs and internships etc all over, and I have decided to expand those horizons a bit, so we are applying for a joint internship in San Francisco. I know i am far from the best, but god I hope we can get this. I need change constantly and I feel SF would be a pretty good one, and if not, so what, life goes on but YOU KNOW YOU'VE TRIED!!!

I think i've also realised though that getting a job at the end of uni doesn't mean that change/life is over.

Cool. Good stuff, well done. Byeeeeee.

tears for fears

I am a mess right now. this is me, right now. Crying started and now can't be stopped. I started thinking, you see, about this past year. Now that I'm 'home', whatever that means, and suddenly it broke me down.

I'm not sad. it's not even that it's all over. It's just this strange overwhelming feeling, like 'this really all happened to me?', like I didn't make this up in my own head.. I experienced all of this?

Forgetting is scary, and it really really hurts, because sooner or later everything just starts to feel less like something that has happened to you, and more like a story you tell. I have these stories in my head, where I go when I'm bored, and the past 7 months have felt so out-of-body that it feels almost as if it's just another story I made up. These last few years I've developed this frustrating problem with over analysing existence, and the mental place I'm in at the moment says that life is only what is happening to you right now. You cannot be inside a memory, you cannot feel it. Memory has no time, no physicality. But this, this typing, I can feel it, I know it's true. And then life becomes the next moment, and the next, and everything else gets lost. 'Now' will be lost, and it will find another moment to call home.. and I'm not dealing with that all too well.


On another note, I went to a fernery today (-:

BARCELONA!

Holaaaaaaaa. So i´m currently in the gr8 city of Barna (which I´ve learnt is actually pretty tiny), only halfway through my stay, and I am having a wild old time!

By this point I´ve been away almost seven months and am on the homeward stretch, and in my mind I suppose I hadn´t expected to meet people in Barcelona. I´d mapped it out as more of a calm reflection time on the rest of the trip. But, as she does, fate rather threw me a wild card. The people at my hostel are sooo wonderful, and everyone is so like-minded. Rater like when I was in New York, the hostel seems to have grouped together this archetype of people with similar humour and musings and, forgive me for sounding a bit Enid Blighton, a sense of adventure! Both the staff and guests are just a bunch of travellers, and it´s kind of like being in limbo here, where everyones ¿real? lives are on hold, and everyone sort of exists outside the boundaries of normality and completely avoids responsibilty.. needless to say i feel completely at home (-:

To me, being here certainly feels like it has two definitive parts to it- the day and the night. If you´re familiar with the Barcelona lifestyle you´ll know that you enjoy the day untill about 1pm, siesta till about 5, and then return to the waking world ready for the night. The days have been peaceful and full of the culture you´d expect: seeing the Gaudi´s and Sagrada familiar, markets, sunsets, paella, exploring the city by foot and stumbling upon the places that become meaningful to you. However on the flipside, given a few helpings of free sangria and a mojito things get a little spicier, and I now have a shaved head (a sober but hilarious venture attempting to explain an undercut in a five euro cut shop to a perplexed asian bloke who didn´t speak a word of english or espanol), a new macthing stick and poke tat, a fair share of experience with spanish gay bars and so many bruises I can´t even count. I feel free here, and I feel like this is the beginning again.. Writing it down never really lives up to the experience, but I feel like this is the bang I never planned to end with, and I´m so grateful I have.

                           ´got a fresh cut straight out the salon bitch´- President Kanye West

big out

*disclaimer, i wrote this on a pretty bad day, and i had a lot of stuff on my mind that's passed for now. It's potentially a pretty down read, buuut regardless, enjoy..


So, extroversion. It's a weird thing. Commonly mistaken for self confidence or the ability to public speak or for being loud. But no.. Extroversion (for anyone not in the know, bc tbh it wasn't that long ago that I realised my assumptions about its definition were very very wrong..), means being energised by spending time with others, as opposed to introverts energised by time spent alone. Drained by the time spent alone, energised by social activity, woo! I am an extrovert, and gosh it's so great being and extrovert lololol what an exciting life!! How confident and joyous you must be!!1! It's commonly assumed that's extroverts are constantly feeling gr8 and having a wild time, but noooo. I am so extroverted to the point where I can't spend a day on my own without going completely insane. Don't get me wrong, I like being on my own. Nothing like a bit of me time spent painting and reading etc. but after a while it drains me, and I need need need to see people to perk up and feel like I exist again! It's not about validation, simply a chemical response to another's company. And yeah, this sucks. 

Exam season (i.e now) is not a good time for me. Never ever a good time. Bc everyone is studying or at work, and I am not (promise it's bc I always have super early exams, not bc I'm a bad student..), and therefore I am left to my own devices for a while. This constant exposure to only my own company is amplified when in a foreign country, away from friends and family and home comforts. After a few days by myself (it is Wednesday, and I last hung out with someone on Sunday) I really really start to lose it. Today I failed to wash or put on underwear, ate a box of Cheerios, six slices of peanut butter toast and two chocolate oranges, sat in my shower for an exciting change of scenery for a few hours, watched an entire series of a show about british university students (ah the irony). I'm sure for some people that may sound like a dream, a day of peace with no one to bother you, but no. No no. This is a nightmare. There is a humour to this depending on how you look at it, but also a greater problem.. So let's briefly get sad for a moment and discuss this; 

People say that they'll be there for you, that when you really need it they'll help you out, get you what you need. But they don't. When it really comes down to it, a lot of people will flake and they fail and they aren't willing to do anything really. Even if they genuinly do care for you. They won't spare an hour to come by and see you, they won't go to the shop to make sure you have something to eat, they won't check up on you, or call, they won't do anything bc they don't see mental health as that serious. Bc if you wanted to do something you'd get up and do it. But it isn't like that. Granted, a lot of the time people probably just don't realise the seriousness of the situation: it just seems like a funny turn, or a moment of over dramatics, but no. Loneliness, sadness, emptiness- it's serious. We are so ready and able to help someone with a broken body, but not so eager with a broken mind (although that's a whole'nother issue)... I've had times where I have been completely distraught and destructive and in need of a friend, and even though I know they still love me, those closest to me haven't be there. 

Last year during exam season I had another issue going on and in attempts to deal with it sat alone in a children's playground and balled my eyes out, and then stayed in my room for three days, drank only coconut water and didn't eat bc I was mentally imploding {god bless u lydia veltman 4 keeping me hydrated}. However, amidst the duties of revision, to others it's not a priority. And fair enough, their life is their life, and being the reason someone flunks an exam or misses out on something they wanted to do for ages is really shitty. The problem is, I would easily drop everything, an exam, a family event, a night out, if I knew someone needed me. I read a quote once along the lines of "that's the problem with people who mean what they say, they think everyone else does too". I'm definitely in that bracket. If i say I'm there for you, I really am. I don't blame other people for not being the same, everyone grows up with different priorities, but I was always taught that people, and their happiness and wellbeing come first. And to live like that alongside others who don't sucks. Nevertheless, to draw some good from all this sad talk, that's why you hold on to the ones who stick to their word. When the chips are down the people who care will show you, not just tell you. So care for them too.

It's always days like these where this kind of talk comes out. I just go a bit off, inside. I never want anyone to mistake my sad ramblings for sadness.. The majority of the time I am blissfully happy, and life excites me. Even on days like this life excites me! I find positivity easy to exist in, but there is this tiny thing in the back of my mind that's just like.."rach, be sad". A little man slowly digging and chucking stuff out till I'm empty. And I do feel empty quite a bit. Half completely overwhelming joy and half.. Nothing? So yeah, extroversion, mental health.. it's weird. As is basically everything. Woah what a cool insightful point to finish on. I feel like there's more to write but in this state I don't think I'm up for it, so I'll finish up writing for the sake of my personal catharsis, and try to do my best at actually living the life I so ponderously write about. byeeeee *plunges into the abyss*.