2015

It is 2am, January 1st, 2016. I'm in Versailles. I should be sleeping.

2015 was a strange, crazy year. A year of two halves; the north shore frat house, and Edinburgh exchange. This year taught me to be brave. 2015 was a year for growth, and 2016 is a year for action.

Gotta keep a little faith.

Gotta get a little sleep.

Goodnight 2015 x

GIRL + WORLD = LESSONS LEARNT??

Highlighting and trying to navigate some of the things I think I've learnt on my travels..

 

A few months back and I had never flown internationally without my family. I had never taken a train on my own. I hadn't ever had to look after my own documents and passports, let alone look after myself. Consistent eating, hydration, sleeping, activity. The basics of living, that up until now had never really been my problem. These are the logistics, the technicalities of travel, that I have been taught, or learnt by trial and error. But aside from planes nearly missed and growing airport navigation skills there are surely other experiences and lessons learnt that are less...concrete. These ones, however, are a little trickier to put your finger on.

 

Travelling or not, when you grow up or exist in the ever present period of 'coming of age', you know you are learning but it's so often hard to say what. You feel different, developed, but I find that when people ask what my experiences have taught me I find myself falling a tad short. I'm just trying to figure it out same as everyone.

 

 

I think the travel I've done so far, and even this year of life in general (which has had some bloody trials as anyone close to me knows), has taught me to care less. Hostel hopping proved to me that diving in and being friendly and confident is the only way to meet such incredible people; having very little in the pocket has showed me how kind people are and that sometimes all you need to do is ask for what you're in need of, but also how to survive on very little. There have been so many wonderful souls feeding me and providing me with couches and beds and I couldn't be more grateful. Being away from your own friends proves the importance of letting go of pretences and being open to new friendships and social circumstances; sometimes you will be in situations that make you feel socially awkward or uncomfortable or like you don't know how to act, and the tip is you just have to not care! Don't think about how you come across or what people think of you, bc unless you do something drastically controversial, they probably won't notice your behaviour much anyway. Every time I do something as a result of overthinking I always look back and question how different it could have been if I'd been more relaxed and not trying to please people so much. And it 100% proves to me that that is the way to go forward in life.

 

Even in more superficial ways, I feel like through the travellers I've met and the culture of Edinburgh, which is a beautifully artistic and honest city, that the way you look is not something to worry about. Wear whatever you want because it's your body and your mind, and life really is too short not to wear star stickers on your cheeks bc you think people will care. Ever since cutting off my hair, which was always a weird sort of physical and artificial protection, a reason to feel attractive and feminine, I have felt so much better about the way I look. Literally, I feel better about my body. I'm less afraid to wear weird shit, or paint on some dark lips. Although I didn't love it at first, I felt liberated from the constraints of typical aesthetics of western attractiveness. I'm still making mistakes and I always will. I'm still afraid of things. I can still be terrible socially as I fluctuate between thinking too much and not thinking at all. And I still sometimes question whether people will think I'm weird if I wear children's dungarees all the time (which, yes, they do. But they are just so ridiculously gr8). But I am trying. So yeah, 1. This has taught me how to care less about, well, everything. 

 

 

Número dos or deux, or whatever language I'm using idk, 2. You are never too old. Now maybe this seems like an obvious one but I always struggled with the idea of life running out, or reaching a certain age you have to do everything by, or doing everything you want to do in life, i.e travel, make things, study, fall in love, figure things out, etc etc WHILE YOU ARE A TEENAGER. NO. This is the stupidest, stupidest mindset to have, because you know what? You will still be you while you are doing those things and in a way you will always be a teenager and you will always have this mind and you will always be the you you are right now. There is no end to 'coming of age'. There was so much stuff I wanted to experience while I was younger, things that I wanted by teen self to experience, but I've come to realisation that you literally have your entire life, and anytime is the best time to do something bc there is no limitation on youth, and learning and the mixture of childlike wonder and rebellion that makes life exciting. I may never stop calling myself a teenager, idk. Sometimes I forget that I'm already twenty and not sixteen. But it's only because I have an expectation of what life should be like, and my life and mindset does not fit into my past expectations of what a twenty year old should be (i.e an organised, sheet washing, actual working human who drinks coffee, understands taxes and probably has a boyfriend called Geoffrey or something similarly shit (soz 2 da Geoffrey's out there)).

 

The classic celeb cult doesn't help either- Seeing people (who don't get me wrong, I admire) like Lorde or Tavi Gevinson who have achieved sooo much in only their mid-late teens. They have careers and achievements under their belts and maybe even a sense of self??... And I have three pairs of shoes, 35 unfinished artworks, some salmon I didn't eat last week slowly going off in my fridge and fluctuating body image. And I've learnt that that is FINE. In fact better than fine. The people I've met traveling, especially the wider, rather eclectic set of creatures between 18 and early 30's in my hostel in Brooklyn, have taught me that there is literally no limitation on what you do when. You might be twenty eight and just starting to get your life together and settle down, or you might be twenty one, finishing your first year of the professional work and realising that the other side of the world is calling your name. You can leave school, do camp America, live and work as a waitress for six months, travel India, then go home and go to uni, go on an exchange, move country to get work, settle down somewhere. All of it. Anytime you want. I've met the proof. 

This sort of brings me to the next point, which is actually kind of the same point. Idk (sorry I've said that literally (also sorry) a hundred times), definitive ideas were never my strong suit... But it is this, point number three: Life has no linear path. The way you thought you might do things might be wrong. The idea that you were gonna go to school/uni/work might be wrong. The modern western way of thinking that says this formula is the only way to be happy; It's probably flipping wrong, in case you weren't getting the theme of this section. Similar to what I've said above so I'll be brief, but I've met people who never studied, became baristas, or started making and selling jewellery on the streets, or got internships of the back of pure determination and talent, who are living happy fulfilled lives. I find this so comforting. I find it so comforting to know that I'm only twenty and that there are thirty year olds who didn't realise how they wanted to live their own lives until a few years back. Not bc it makes me feel superior, but bc it reassures me that there are so many people just trying to figure it out. You don't have to pack everything (by which I mean school/uni/work/family etc) in before you're 25. You have literally all the time in the world, and infinite ways of living, that are outside the constraints of expectation. Life is not linear. 

My last lesson learnt for now is perhaps the most simple. And it is that people are the most important thing. No matter where you are or what you are doing it is the people that will stick in your mind and make your day. Given all the places I've been, I thought by now I would have at least been to the Empire State Building and seen Big Ben or gone away to explore the highlands, but no. And I never regret not doing those things, bc I know what I have is just as, if not more, valuable. I get caught up on the people, in the movement and excitement, not the sightseeing and blatant instagram-tourist-bingo. Yes it's amazing to see so many wonderful places but everywhere I go I find myself distracted from the plans I had by the company I'm in. Doing things alone is great and provides learning of its own, but what really makes an experience is who you share it with. The creases round the corner of laughing mouth or the feeling of someone's arms around you are so so much more memorable to me than any monument ever could be. People are the most important thing. Always always always..

 

...

So that's what I think I've learnt.

Or maybe I'm just trying to convince myself, I don't know..

EDINBURGH SO FAR. WOO!

Edinburgh.. Oh sweet edinburgh. Half way through my time here and I have written very very little because I have been caught in a flurry of living and fearing and feeling and seeing and meeting, and it has been absolute insanity.. Although as things are not yet over (if there is such a thing) I'm definitely a bit out of sorts when it comes to drawing conclusions and reflecting.. The increase in alcohol and decrease in sleep probably haven't helped in terms of staying sharp with a pen but eh, you live ya life.

I know it's been a while since I wrote or posted anything in real time, but imma give it a try. The problem is I always wanted this to be somewhere where I could write everything, a place of catharsis and lessons learnt, but recently it's felt too difficult to articulate fully how I feel about anything. And I suppose in part I am afraid at the thought of people actually reading the things I have to say, or the things I have to say about them. 

So instead of trying to write something  meaningful I'm just gonna list some things that have happened so far that amuse me. Not the big moments or memories, just the small things that capture how this feels for me... Honestly it's always the tiniest things, some of these are just things I want to remember for my own sake, and, to me, some of these are hilarious, so yolo. 

  

- The time I made Dan and Bryan my beautiful flatties walk an hour with me to buy discounted nikes in a different suburb because I am a terrible friend.

- Making extra efforts to appear friendly and domestic by cooking spag in a lovely lil Edinburgh flat for a bunch of boys I had no idea would end up boing some of my closest friends here. It's weird when you realise you met someone before you thought you'd met them, oh how first impressions are wrong haha.

- Being (almost) thrown out of a two storey high window.

- Making salmon all the time. This is significant enough to merit a mention. It's literally all I eat and I need to be stopped.

- Also pesto.

- Wathcing all of Blue Mountain State for like three days straight with Will and Jamie. Couch memz <3

- Just disappearing and having everyone wondering where I went.. A terrible charcter flaw but one of my favourite things to do is just leave for a few days and not let anyone know where. A rare chance to have something that's completely your own.

- First lil sainsburys shop and picnic with Immy and Bea in the meadows.

- Spending a socially unacceptable amount of time with Pippa in lovecrumbs divulging all the dirty deets of Ed. Grassmarket fish and chips afterwards in the meadows, joined by Saul who told us about the time he wrote a massively tragic love song for a girl and then sung it in front of her and her boyfriend. The best.

- Tears (for once, not mine), on beds, post party.

- That time I used Imogens deodorant as dry shampoo.

- Some cold, quiet and scary walks through marchmont and the meadows at night.. and all the hours prior..

- Endless bottles of £4.25 Soave, Sainsbury's best.

- Going to sainsburys with Will dressed only in a blanket and looking super classy and unsuspicious.

- Climbing Arthur's seat with the irish gang and taking my incredible marks and spencers stir fry to the highest point in Edinburgh bc yolo.

-Itchy feet! And pre itchy feet glamour transforming from red jumper and jeans into v suave and tight lbd. Thanks Pip.

- First ever cheeky nandos

- Lazy mornings lying in.. I look back in longing at the time I could rise from bed before eleven.

- Horrible flat harmonising and singing On My Way over and over and over and over... Never fails to make me smile (:

- That time me, Jam and Caroline all slept in her bed and Jamie clapping like an actual child when I brought him a cookie: genuinely hilarious.

- Making the poshest drunk meal of cream cheese and salmon on toast with Jamie after a night at Hive.

- Playing 21 (the actual best drinking game ever) with everyone on jams mattress, which was obvs not on the bed bc reasons.

-The first time I went to Rachel's, listening to the 1975 on vinyl and talking about all of our various probs hahaha, truly truly love that girl.

- Going to soap box slam poetry!

- Performing for the first time and being met with the most incredible reaction. Honestly so amazing and exhilarating. I really do feel blessed to have been able to share and to have had such an affect on people and to have so many girls come up to me afterwards and talk about their experiences.

- The people who lived in my room last year coming in drunk and staying for about half an hour while I was completely naked under my duvet. Defs a lesson in door locking.  

- Snuggling up with hot choc, Dominoes and The Dreamers with Rachy in her beautiful little apartment.

- Taking a heavenly break from da club Why Not and eating inappropriately large amounts of maccas with Sarah smith.

- The terrible few hours of having completely yellow hair in a failed bleaching attempt, and the humility building experience of walking an hour in the rain to the nearest chemist to sort it out. Shortly followed by the joys of an accidental perfect hue.

- Getting ollies mop and picking out his sisters birthday present in jewellery shops while he was potentially still v drunk hahaha. Well done.

- That absolutely flipping hilarious photo from Bongos.

- Weekend in Norwich. Paintball. Trapped in the closet. Very loudly saying a very very bad word in a fancy restaurant surrounded by disapproving old people. The queen <3 <3

-  That time I wore Yves Saint Laurent to Hive. As in jewellery from the incredibly beautiful design house YSL, to potentially the filthiest club in Edinburgh.. Which also by coincidence happens to be my favourite. I love gross. Disgust me please. Ah what a night.

- Halloweeeen. getting dressed up and getting down at potterow. having amazing friends who protect us from sleazy drunk boys. Alex's hilariously regrettable Abraham Lincoln costume.

- The questions game at Jamie and Frans birthday. All the secrets out. Imogen hilariously bad at thinking on the spot.

-Excited sing alongs and wig play with rach while we booked our Paris tickets! 

- All the mist.
- Seeing the Japanese house live in Glasgow. Absoluetly amazing.

- That weird time I walked past a pagan cult meeting in the meadows lololol.

- Much back cracking and various other homo-erotic action with baes.

- Forcing Alex P to lie down on the floor with me in Why Not and discovering the wonders of looking up. Preferably before being yelled at by security heh.

- The long, hilarious and cathartic walk to kebab king with darling Imogen in need to escape from a dramatic night haha. Nothing tastes as good as cheesy chips at 3 in the morning.

Hmmm...

x

A sadder side to travel and a reminder to me.

There are good days and there are bad days, always. Steps backward and forward and it's so easy get lost in each day as it happens.. I've think I've forgotten to look to the bigger picture. 

 

My problem is that I only ever wrote on the bad days. I write when I'm sad, I write things like this.. (Insert sad and mournful journal entry..)

"In this moment I am sad. I feel an overwhelming sense of loss for all the lives I could have lived. And it's so so shitty that I have to leave here, and then have to leave there, and maybe will never have a fixed place or a fixed people. Where I can ground myself and build something. The world is breaking my heart right now. I just don't know what I want." 

 

But today, no. Today has been a good day, and I think I'm starting to feel happy with the way things are, or at least realising that I should. I get so wrapped up in my own head but I am trying to let go a little bit. I'm trying to be good to myself and not sink. Recently I've really been struggling with the idea of home, and permanence and happiness. Being away from everything you know certainly teaches you a hell of a lot and is one of the most incredible blessings, but it also is scary to realise that no where has everything that you need. Or perhaps too many places have everything..

 

I have to keep reminding myself It is possible to be happy in more than one place because there is more than just one side to who you are. Instead of longing for what is not with you in this moment be grateful for what each place you belong in has to offer, and what part of yourself you can explore and grow there. 

 

Remember that clean air is good. Fresh grass is good. Barefoot is good, sun on your hands and water on your back is good. Tea. White sheets. Jumpers. Stickers. Plants, and candles. And sleep, sleep is good. Smokey lungs and and red wine and 4am is good too. But you don't have to have everything in the same place at the same time for life to be good. With all that there is and all that you are surely there is no room for sadness. I am learning to be happy with missing home, because it makes me so excited to go back and I am learning to be happy with the dread I have to leave Edinburgh bc of all that it has given me. I can be everything, just not at the same time, and I am okay with that. 

 

 

 

BALANCE.

The least descriptive description of a place ever:

WINCHESTER.

 

I got drunk in Jane Austen's house, people got arrested for coke and just tried to start breathing again. 

 

(will update with more deets at a later date..)

 

 

SKETCH LONDON with mab. Fab as always.

Post-Wales ft. emotional train journey ramblings

I am having the best time of my life. All things considered, I think that's what this is. Life at its lost and found, lonely wandering best. I am meeting the greatest people and seeing amazing things all over the world. Still I cannot help but have moments where I am overwhelmed by the strangeness of it all. Where am I haha. On the outside. Inside? I don't know, not yet anyway. It's all just the same big ol world, but something about the ground shifting beneath your feet can also throw your mind. I am on a train, in Wales, leaving a place that feels like home, when I've only known its real residents for max four days.

 

To give this a little context, when I was in NY I met a rad welsh lad (shot Joe), who I then tricked into letting me stay with him in Wales for a bit. The last few days has consisted of some sightseeing, a barn dance, all days drinks, a classic welsh barbecue sat out in the cold, very little sleep, and a lot of tired welsh mumbling in vague attempts to break past hangovers and make conversation. I've been stranded on a farm with only male company for four days and it's been fuckin 'ilarious (so welsh lol). And who would of thought I'd ever end up here. 

 

It's the oddest thing to be pulled away from all the people you know and suddenly find yourself having to assimilate to ten different social groups in two weeks. You haven't got the people you care about around you to laugh at your jokes and hold your back. You're no longer playing your own part, but having to learn how to convincingly act others. You're not really you anymore. And I can't decide if what's left is the essence of you, or if it's the surface bc that's the only bit people can see. You're left raw. Intense moments of knowing people, when you don't know them at all. 

 

Taking chances is fun, learning stuff about yourself is fun, even if you don't quite yet understand what you've learnt. I am slowly coming to terms with feeling actual human emotions, attachment, detachment, discomfort, happiness. I am so hungry and I want to cry and neither of that is bad. 

 

So I think that's enough rambling from me... Hope you've all enjoyed more foolish overly personal trash talk direct from my head to the page. T'rah (am I welsh yet??¿?). 

BACKLOG OF POSTS ON THE WAY

About to finally post a big scramble of things I've written over the last few months travelling and whatnot, v v emotionally up and down but that's basically how it's been haha. also I am sad bc they wont have accompanying visuals as the uni computers are shit and don't read visual files processed on apple computers. Get your shit together computers.

NEW YORK NEW YORK (/go me I didn't cry)

There is a bruise the size of the moon covering my right eye and my neck feels as if it can barely hold up my head, but I could not be happier to carry these souvenirs with me as I exit New York and sit now in Frankfurt airport. Flip, it's been wild. 

Simultaneously one of the longest and shortest weeks of my life- hours of lounging with beers and marlboro and gr8 m8's in my hostel home, long walks of the high line and sprawling squares, and almost imaginary nights illegally staking out rooftop bars in Manhattan  and underground gigs in smokey Brooklyn basements. I've fallen in love with the place, I've fallen in love with the people (both as individuals, and as the traveller archetype). I want more, but I almost want to never go back, because as S.Coppola so delightfully sums it up, "it could never be this wonderful again". 

Maybe I'm over exaggerating due to severe jet lag/ semi-permanent haze of nostalgia/post LA feels- BUT as far as I know so far, every midnight playing pretend as an over-twenty-one in some place I shouldn't be (sorry mum), and every day laughing till your teeth hurt have come together to create one of the most unforgettable experiences I am yet to experience. 

Granted, there have still been lots of swollen feet, exasperated sighs, long goodbyes and lengthy moments of dig rustled indecision, but as my first time in the big apple, travelling solo, and experiencing #hostellifelol it's been pretty easy to let them pass. A slightly less joyful experience for example, has been the 24 hour hangover I am currently at the end of. Last night a usual evening drinks progressed into a metal gig in the basement bar and I went full 14 year old boy and thrashed myself until I could barely breathe. Turns out the easiest way to look tough in Brooklyn is by smashing your face into someone else's knee and giving yourself a black eye. Go Rach! Needless to say I was the only girl who decided to mosh with a group of twenty something men, and potentially came out worse, but (!), sweet lord it was amazing haha. We then moved to a club in Brooklyn for a good groove before stumbling home. I am feeling the painful repercussions of throwing your head back and forth so many times it's surprising your neck doesn't break on the spot, and that's certainly no reason to change what went down. But that's a thing that I love: you end up in a stupidly spontaneous environment where everyone is willing to forgive and never forget all the wonderful things you end up doing. You just start nodding, soaking in the vibes of those around you, and saying 'yeah, this is it. This is life'. 

I adored seeing time square at night, and crossing Brooklyn Bridge, or seeing Central Park, but all of this would be nothing without the people you meet who make your days. The piss has already been ripped on this one, as in a moment of sentimentality I told everyone I didn't think I'd make 'friends like this', but idc! You gotta let people know when you love 'em. Although I've been told that you will find people like this everywhere in every hostel in the world, these people will always be my first. So thanks. But if any of you are actually reading this I'm kidding, u guys suck lol. ha ha.. (Pls ignore my kind little heart).

That's the thing that's great about hostels; provided that you actually go down for breakfast everyday and stake out your place at a table and get talking then you are bound to find some people and make some plans and end up having a wonderful day (top tip, it's actually kinda cool to plan nothing in advance and not book yourself up so you can do stuff with the people you meet). But just start by saying hello! My first interaction with my soon-to-be squad (yes, I just went there) was an awkward encounter that involved my avoiding eye contact, staring directly into the cup I was carrying and mumbling something about 'familiar accents'. Again I've had enough mocking for this haha. BUT, All it takes is ten seconds of being a weirdo and then there you are, talking to people, laughing with people. Making friends. Ye$ iT is th@t easy!!1! Then all of a sudden you find yourself feeling like the people you've spend the last few days with are the people you've known your whole life. Forced comfort. It's weird like that. But somehow it works. You're connected too, suddenly a mini network has sprung up all around with world with places to stay and people to call, people who actually want you there! A fave memory with my three day clan is taking shots of whiskey and pickle juice in a burger bar. Never will I did that taste from my mouth nor the memories from my mind. Never. 

Shout outs to Eilish for being the ultimate hilarious lady friend and experienced traveller helping me navigate this scary world, to Scott, John and John for the most horrific storytime sessions and laughs in a game of Never Have I Ever, and to Joe for having the best laugh if the world. Ah ah ah ah ah 😘 

I will finish with this (which tbh is about to be a bunch of thought I have not yet formulated, so forgive me if my marvellous conclusion turns out completely shit). We visited the 9/11 memorial which was completely overwhelming, devastating and surprisingly meaningful given the emotional distance I thought I had from it (I know that sounds odd, but as a seven year old, or any age really, I don't think you grasp the gravity of that type of situation). I would highly, highly recommend a visit to the memorial museum if you're in New York. Of all the things I took from it, one seems to me to be relevant here. The number of scrawled notes, answering machine messages and recorded phone calls to or from the dead expressing real honest love and hope certainly made me reevaluate how scared we are to say we care about one another in the plain light of day. But you just have to. Tell people things, go places, do stuff, bc as shitty as this sounds we really don't know when life will be over, and the world deserves to know how you feel about it. Breathe in every last scent you can and kiss every person on the cheek you meet. Don't get me wrong, don't just be a massive sop, bc ew emotions, and I'm not talking about massive declarations of love bc also, ew love. However, it really did strike me how much people, in there last moments, found it so easy to say how they felt about each other. No wasting breath trying to be anything else but human.

I don't really know where this ended up, but yeah. It's been amazing. New York hit me with everything I never expected and one day at a time the world is teaching me to just be a person again, be a child in wonder. And it feels really really good. 

LA days 1-4 (i.e. I am scared and excited in four parts..)

If ever there was a time that the phrase emotional roller coaster was applicable, this my friends, is it. There have been wild days at the beach, sleepy wondering a of the city alone, tears nearly every night, and some surreal dream time down by the pool...

PART 1- FIRST IMPRESSIONS 

When I first arrived, delightfully sweaty and dressed to the 9's in winter coat and snood (thanks mum), I was hit instantly with the heat, and the bright blaze of the sun, and in some delirium managed to find a taxi and make my way to my friend Sigourneys apartment. It is a strange strange city to peer at from the back of a cab, so large and almost desolate, despite the mass of buildings and people. All the buildings are the same beige stucco plaster, and the cars so much wealthier than their owners. 

Needless to say on arrival I had the unpleasant and almost overwhelming feeling that this was not the place for me, and with a whole week ahead of me I started shitting myself about being stuck here so long. I've cried everyday since I arrived (more on that later) and still do find LA a little soulless, BUT by embracing this opportunity, with the help of an amazing friend, and some time spent alone I have found the aspects of LA that I really enjoy. A day in Santa Monica, and SM pier had me blissfully smiling and settling down on the sunny beach, feeling a little more at home for the first time. Learning how to navigate the area I'm in myself has given me a lot more confidence in my ability to survive. Although I can say with a firm nod that LA isn't the place for me, getting a glimpse at the reality of LA life is what makes it worth it.

PART 2- AN INSTA TELLS 1000 WORDS..

This brings me to my first point... Reality. It is hard to explain via writing or phone calls or anything else that it is possible to be having an amazing time, but not all of it is beautiful and not all of it is laughter, and a lot of it has been sent sitting on random park benches or the balcony, crying into my all-bran and soy milk. I don't want people to think I'm not having a good time- because I am- but I also would not want people to base their views on this experience based on a couple of pictures online. Pictures are shit. 

Yes I have been to, and photographed, some beautiful places, and yes I have enjoyed being there.. buuuut, I myself am trying to live up to the image of LA that I have seen through others, and trying to find those special places and moments. I have walked past a lot of dead squirrels suffering heatstroke, been lost alone at night trying to find home and received snaggle-toothed grimaces from the homeless- but as this does not line up with my mental image of LA and with the LA that makes me happy, I don't want to photograph it and try to remember it. It's all been said 100 times before, but everything's better in the pictures. It's not that the amazing moment captured on camera didn't happen, but that an equal amount of underwhelming things probably occurred too. My feelings on this are beginning to cloud my head up a little right now so I will move on for my own sake! 

PART 3- WORLD ALONE

The second musing on my mind while I've been here is that people beat places every time. The people I have met on the streets as I struggle with IPhone navigator and the cars I have aimlessly walked in front of have all been lovely. I have been shocked by how nice and helpful they are because I feel like it goes against the American stereotypes I have heard. I am also so so so lucky to have such a wonderful friend letting me kip on their couch and being such a fantastic host. However, it is not quite enough. 

I would consider myself an extrovert, I am energised by social gatherings and long conversation and random talkative encounters. Whereas introverts are energised by time alone. I am energised when I'm with people. Lots of them. New, old, anything. But with no large group of friends to call upon out here, I do feel a little lost. There is no one to charge my batteries per say, because it's a job for more than one. It's not about who the person is or what they can offer, it's just about the importance of company. And LA is not were you want to be positioned with this in mind. I am so so looking forward to settling down in the UK and meeting up with old friends and finding new ones bc I just neeeeed people hahaha. 

Isolation is one of the oddest experiences when you're extroverted because it's easy to feel a little out of sorts. It's scary to think as well that I will physically be so far from the people I love fore such a long time. Although I thought I'd had this realisation mentally, it wasn't until yesterday where it really it me emotionally and I couldn't stop that numbing buzz of awareness. Consciously I think I'm fine and then suddenly I can't really hear anything and I realise I've been for the last ten minutes. I'm a firm believer in feeling things though. It is always better to feel. Experience is how we develop understanding, and that's all I'm after in this world really. Just trying to understand some stuff. I guess, everything's a bit hazy when you're on your own, but it's good. It's all good. 

PART 4- THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE INTERNET FAMOUS.

Moving to some slightly less drifty subject matter, yesterday and today I had to very odd encounters. Both exciting, both lucky, and v v cool, but undoubtedly two very very different experiences... After deciding to go to LACMA yesterday, and before walking for twenty minutes in the wrong direction, I made my way to the museum and bought myself a ticket, ready set for an exciting day or art. Kanye Wests new video was exclusively premiering which was siiick, but bc I'm not a fan of big crowds I wondered over to a less crowded building displaying 25 pieces gifted to the museum. And then there, in this empty space, who am I to see, looking tall and sleek and so much better in real life, but also exactly as you'd expect them to look, Dan and Phil (u can google them if ya don't know). 

Now, I really enjoy their videos, and their radio show, and am aware of there ridiculously mounting fame, but I wouldn't consider myself to be a MASSIVE fan. My reaction was completely the opposite of how I ever expected to act in this kind of situation. My heart just dropped and I just sort of stared at them.. Soo coool and chilllll. I think they noticed me bc I just stopped moving. U got it rach, leave 'em wanting more. I talked to them for a couple of minutes and dan asked if I wanted a photo and helped me with my phone bc my hand was shaking (ooh yeah, sexy.) and then we both moved on. Basically, they were so nice and friendly, and did I mention tall??? But it completely threw me off for the rest of my time at the museum. It was so weird to get this brief hit of like 'HI! YOU BASICALLY JUST MET THE INTERNET', but for what ever reason it got me really flustered and I just didn't really feel like I said what I wanted to say and used the opportunity to make something. It was a tricky thing bc people started gathering while I talked to them and I'm sure they didn't want too much attention, but it left me feeling so off for the rest of the day and thinking about all the things I could've said. 


On the opposite end of the scale, today I bumped into a real role model of mine, Louise Pentland (Sprinkleofglitter) while we were both alone and lost in the mall. I felt totally happy and comfortable to go up to her and say hi, and you know what? It was bloody fantastic. We walked and talked for about half an hour and she even bought me a cake pop at Starbucks. And it was so nice because IT JUST FELT REAL! As surreal as it was, it felt nice to just find someone who was also feeling a little lost in LA and who was going through some similar things it seemed. I adored it, I adored her in real life and it put me in a far far better headspace (SO THANK YOU LOUISE!). That moment is something I will definitely remember for a long old time. 

So. 

LA. The big Los Ang. The city of angels (incredibly debatable). 

LA.

Essentially, I'm a bit burnt, a bit teary eyed, and a bit hungry for some food and for some life, but through it all I'm finding something just a bit wonderful. 

4 days till LA (also known as, 'feelings are weird')

 


Do you ever close your eyes, and it really is as if you can hear the sound of the ocean. A roaring, thunder, as if your head really is caving in. I've spent the last hour in tears, reasons for which I cannot explain. Crying happens a lot these days, and I think that's just a part of growing up, perhaps. Realising that you are feeling things. Attempting to comprehend emotions, the in-goings and outgoings of existing. Realising actions have consequences, but being left with the question of what it is all worth.

Life has always felt a little scary-and feeling's weird, and though I am not afraid of it, there is something about being forced to live that can bring on full blown breakdown. I think today that's one of the mini epiphanies I have experienced. It's not the thought of never doing anything that's scary; it's actually getting up and moving and, well, doing stuff (for want of better words). We (am I projecting??) spend so long just sitting around pretending to live and dreaming of the things we'd rather be doing, promising ourselves that we'd jump at the opportunity to see our fantasies actualise. But when they do? That's when things get a bit frightening, because then life no longer has to live up to your expectations, but you have to live up to your life. You have to get out, you might leave people, you have to plunge headfirst into the unknown, often the uncomfortable. And all the while there's this inch of a whisper, asking what if I leap and don't land. What if you get given all your chances, and you fuck it up. My hope is that this will not be the case, but one can't help but wonder. Fear of failure and rejection is the most common among humans, and it takes more effort than imaginable to bury it fully- to dig up the ground beneath you, hide away your fears under damp earth and dance on it.

It's all these kind of thoughts that get to me, that mess with my head and leave me with damp eyes. These are the things that really frighten me.

Six months is only a short time. A blink and you've missed it/'oh how time flies' type of thing. But the oddity off a short time is that soon enough it becomes a long time, and suddenly you're looking back and you've realised years have passed. You're not a twenty year old breathing deeply before her computer screen, you don't laugh with the same lungs, or stare at the same walls. Perhaps you've moved on. Perhaps everyone else has. People have died, tears have been shed, lines have settled and life still hasn't been lived. One day you look back and realise time was passing all along, and that the people you loved were slowly forgetting each others names. With this in mind, it is important to look at a short period of time not just as a blip in your existence... but a seed. Which in itself is frightening, because again it requires something of you, it asks you to tend to life and to take action, which of course also means there is possibility of inevitable failure. It also means that you might end up growing in a direction you did not expect, and then still you end up apart from those you love, but at least you've gone somewhere. Who knows where it may take you.. a 'short time' is not an excuse to leave your life behind only to walk back to the mundane after some months of "freedom". It's a start. If you want it to be. And who knows what I want.

I've been musing on the expression 'out of the woods'. I think it's pretty apt really when existence is concerned. As with a forest, in life we are occasionally gifted with glimpses are the starry night. A glimpse at an endless eternity, time, something ethereal. Beneath a heavy canopy dappled patches of sunlight dance around, tease and taunt, as do our brief moments in the sun. A glimpse of the clearing. Revelation. I think we spend our whole lives in the woods really, and it's not until the very very end we find our way out. Then bathed in golden understanding we turn back to see everything we've walked through. Maybe we'll realise all the tears were worth it. At least they showed us something...

So...

Life is scary. Feelings are weird. Time is... let's not even go there. Just, god, move. get up and move and dance on it and feel stuff, because it is better than being twenty forever on the cusp of things and too afraid to lean that little bit forward. Don't make the mountain your enemy. Get out. Get up there instead.

in the flat...

There's no lie that I'm finding my first year flatting a bit tricky and it makes me quite anxious quite a lot. Living with seven boys may not have been the greatest choice. BUT, there is something weirdly peaceful about it sometimes. Jackson took a few nice snaps the other night when Eilis came around and we were playing with fire. They ended up quite cool, so here they are..

(lets play a fun game called how many times did Rachel say 'quite' in one paragraph.)

Groovy groovy, gonna go eat some muesli.

x

NIGHT DRIVING

I miss home a lot sometimes, and I miss spaces like this.

I like nighttime and how it makes people act and how the sky looks like 100 different paintings all in ten minutes. This is a video I made of me and OlLie just having a drive and a wander round the park. And this song man, something about it just gets me.

humming

she broke her bones and she broke her bones
a powder; softer, but coarse from its past
smaller and smaller it became
until she was ash in the hands of others.

NOT YOURS NEVER WAS

I have always been attached to, but never published these pictures of my friend Ruby that I took a year or two ago. They focus on the strength of women, regardless of what we go through in life- so I figured today was a good day to let them into the world.

Inwards and Onwards

*personal ramblings ahead*

This is the year that I destroy myself. Strip back. Be broken. Tear things apart in order to move on and be something better. Onwards and upwards, first looking inwards.

My current living situation has got me in a strange place. It is so unfamiliar and alienated and I definitely don't quite feel like myself here. However what it has made me realise, is that sometimes you need to feel uncomfortable, and have a period of time that forces you to focus on yourself, and small happinesses- growing things, reading, studying, eating well. Input into your life in the future, as opposed to living completely in the moment, which is usually where I stand. All ready I've faced some small personal challenges that I know are really good for me in the long run, like driving routes I don't know (don't ask me why I struggle with this so much...), and eating muesli (again, please haha). Being challenged I suppose forces you to rely on yourself and trust your own abilities.

I have a strange habit or forcing myself to be uncomfortable. I get bored, and when things get too easy and placid, I always have to mess things up again. I don't know why but I really can't handle being too 'comfortable'... I am also far too impulsive. A few days ago I cut my waist length hair off on a whim, and it now just grazes my shoulders. It's not great looks wise, but god it feels good to just change and do something. I'm sure I won't be hearing much more "What amazing hair you have!"/"You are so lucky to have such beautiful hair" type comments, but that's okay. It's odd how much it seems to mean to me, but having cut it off, I realised how much I relied on my hair to look good, and used it as protection. Having a massive sheet of hair became a safety net for me- it was 'pretty' and 'feminine' and OTHER PEOPLE LIKED IT. So I've ruined it. And it feels really good.

I don't think I have much else to say, but writing down how I feel always sort of cements things in my brain.

Side note: I am in love with this- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgeKHTcufLY

Awesome cool, what a cool blog post omg.

x

HOME.

It's been bothering me for a while now that I feel like I've stopped creating things. I'm such a procrastinator but have also caught my self out making a lot of fair-weather excuses, like not having the time, or equipment, or people to film/photograph. One of my absolute loves is editing- I just find it so relaxing/comforting/satisfying. 

So yesterday instead of dreaming of the 'big things' I want to one day achieve I decided to start with a little thing... So I got out my camera and decided that it was time to just film, whatever was around me, no excuses. And this is what I ended up with... 

I guess my message to myself is to stop pushing oppurtunies away and to stop waiting for things to happen. If you really want to create so badly, then why aren't you. So now, you are.

x

Resolutions..

Sunday 4th,  January of the new year, 2015.

I'm not really big on the new years fresh start/resolutions thing, but I have jotted down a few things that I'd like to keep in mind over the year...

1. DO ALL THE THINGS! 

    - I can't remember who was the first person I heard saying this (maybe Louise, SprinkleOfGlitter), but I thought it was just such a funny and real way of phrasing the 'yes-man' idea. Say yes to more things, be more open to frightening experiences, relax and engage with people who you do not know but one day might. There is no better way to expand your life than to dive into it with reckless abandon.

2. SAY NO.

    - Perhaps a little confusingly contradictory, but this one is to remember that saying no is completely okay and sometimes good for your mental health and wellbeing. If something is stressing you and making you anxious then you are allowed to retreat if purely for your own peace of mind. Never do anything because someone else wants or expects you too, only do as you want.

3. REVEAL LITTLE, STAY OPEN.

    - I read something once along the lines of 'reveal almost nothing about yourself, it drives people insane', so this becomes the first part of the resolution... Being mysterious is one of my greatest trials as I am such a brash and open book, and the first time I meet someone I basically recount my entire life story, fears, secrets, and speculations for the future. But there is something really special about someone who keeps a lil more just to themselves, and an intrigue that drives you to get to know them. The second part is to still remain honest and open and truthful, tell everything, but only to some! Choose widely who you share your everything with. So essentially, still be your true self around everyone, but in doses, I suppose..? Be selective about who you tell all the gritty detail of your life. Very Parisian!

4. Mini creative resolutions.
    - more photography
    - make more films
    - get involved in more theatre!
    - sing more
    -write more
    -pray more

5...
    -The last one is a little different from my usual whimsical words- and that is go get fit! However, within a very specific boundary. As of tomorrow I am starting the Kayla Itsines BBG workout guid thingy's and plan to STICK THE HELL WITH IT!!!! So hopefully I'll see some great change on a body I haven't been too happy with of late. With a body that's fitter and stronger I m hoping I'll feel less tired and fatigued all the time and also that I'll finally feel confident to dress the way I do in my head.

I have a real feeling about this year, that I've never had about any other before it. So here's to potential, commitment, honesty, mystery, happiness and hopefully a spectacular year x

(pic is Belle in Suzi's old kitchen, 2012)