LA days 1-4 (i.e. I am scared and excited in four parts..)

If ever there was a time that the phrase emotional roller coaster was applicable, this my friends, is it. There have been wild days at the beach, sleepy wondering a of the city alone, tears nearly every night, and some surreal dream time down by the pool...

PART 1- FIRST IMPRESSIONS 

When I first arrived, delightfully sweaty and dressed to the 9's in winter coat and snood (thanks mum), I was hit instantly with the heat, and the bright blaze of the sun, and in some delirium managed to find a taxi and make my way to my friend Sigourneys apartment. It is a strange strange city to peer at from the back of a cab, so large and almost desolate, despite the mass of buildings and people. All the buildings are the same beige stucco plaster, and the cars so much wealthier than their owners. 

Needless to say on arrival I had the unpleasant and almost overwhelming feeling that this was not the place for me, and with a whole week ahead of me I started shitting myself about being stuck here so long. I've cried everyday since I arrived (more on that later) and still do find LA a little soulless, BUT by embracing this opportunity, with the help of an amazing friend, and some time spent alone I have found the aspects of LA that I really enjoy. A day in Santa Monica, and SM pier had me blissfully smiling and settling down on the sunny beach, feeling a little more at home for the first time. Learning how to navigate the area I'm in myself has given me a lot more confidence in my ability to survive. Although I can say with a firm nod that LA isn't the place for me, getting a glimpse at the reality of LA life is what makes it worth it.

PART 2- AN INSTA TELLS 1000 WORDS..

This brings me to my first point... Reality. It is hard to explain via writing or phone calls or anything else that it is possible to be having an amazing time, but not all of it is beautiful and not all of it is laughter, and a lot of it has been sent sitting on random park benches or the balcony, crying into my all-bran and soy milk. I don't want people to think I'm not having a good time- because I am- but I also would not want people to base their views on this experience based on a couple of pictures online. Pictures are shit. 

Yes I have been to, and photographed, some beautiful places, and yes I have enjoyed being there.. buuuut, I myself am trying to live up to the image of LA that I have seen through others, and trying to find those special places and moments. I have walked past a lot of dead squirrels suffering heatstroke, been lost alone at night trying to find home and received snaggle-toothed grimaces from the homeless- but as this does not line up with my mental image of LA and with the LA that makes me happy, I don't want to photograph it and try to remember it. It's all been said 100 times before, but everything's better in the pictures. It's not that the amazing moment captured on camera didn't happen, but that an equal amount of underwhelming things probably occurred too. My feelings on this are beginning to cloud my head up a little right now so I will move on for my own sake! 

PART 3- WORLD ALONE

The second musing on my mind while I've been here is that people beat places every time. The people I have met on the streets as I struggle with IPhone navigator and the cars I have aimlessly walked in front of have all been lovely. I have been shocked by how nice and helpful they are because I feel like it goes against the American stereotypes I have heard. I am also so so so lucky to have such a wonderful friend letting me kip on their couch and being such a fantastic host. However, it is not quite enough. 

I would consider myself an extrovert, I am energised by social gatherings and long conversation and random talkative encounters. Whereas introverts are energised by time alone. I am energised when I'm with people. Lots of them. New, old, anything. But with no large group of friends to call upon out here, I do feel a little lost. There is no one to charge my batteries per say, because it's a job for more than one. It's not about who the person is or what they can offer, it's just about the importance of company. And LA is not were you want to be positioned with this in mind. I am so so looking forward to settling down in the UK and meeting up with old friends and finding new ones bc I just neeeeed people hahaha. 

Isolation is one of the oddest experiences when you're extroverted because it's easy to feel a little out of sorts. It's scary to think as well that I will physically be so far from the people I love fore such a long time. Although I thought I'd had this realisation mentally, it wasn't until yesterday where it really it me emotionally and I couldn't stop that numbing buzz of awareness. Consciously I think I'm fine and then suddenly I can't really hear anything and I realise I've been for the last ten minutes. I'm a firm believer in feeling things though. It is always better to feel. Experience is how we develop understanding, and that's all I'm after in this world really. Just trying to understand some stuff. I guess, everything's a bit hazy when you're on your own, but it's good. It's all good. 

PART 4- THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE INTERNET FAMOUS.

Moving to some slightly less drifty subject matter, yesterday and today I had to very odd encounters. Both exciting, both lucky, and v v cool, but undoubtedly two very very different experiences... After deciding to go to LACMA yesterday, and before walking for twenty minutes in the wrong direction, I made my way to the museum and bought myself a ticket, ready set for an exciting day or art. Kanye Wests new video was exclusively premiering which was siiick, but bc I'm not a fan of big crowds I wondered over to a less crowded building displaying 25 pieces gifted to the museum. And then there, in this empty space, who am I to see, looking tall and sleek and so much better in real life, but also exactly as you'd expect them to look, Dan and Phil (u can google them if ya don't know). 

Now, I really enjoy their videos, and their radio show, and am aware of there ridiculously mounting fame, but I wouldn't consider myself to be a MASSIVE fan. My reaction was completely the opposite of how I ever expected to act in this kind of situation. My heart just dropped and I just sort of stared at them.. Soo coool and chilllll. I think they noticed me bc I just stopped moving. U got it rach, leave 'em wanting more. I talked to them for a couple of minutes and dan asked if I wanted a photo and helped me with my phone bc my hand was shaking (ooh yeah, sexy.) and then we both moved on. Basically, they were so nice and friendly, and did I mention tall??? But it completely threw me off for the rest of my time at the museum. It was so weird to get this brief hit of like 'HI! YOU BASICALLY JUST MET THE INTERNET', but for what ever reason it got me really flustered and I just didn't really feel like I said what I wanted to say and used the opportunity to make something. It was a tricky thing bc people started gathering while I talked to them and I'm sure they didn't want too much attention, but it left me feeling so off for the rest of the day and thinking about all the things I could've said. 


On the opposite end of the scale, today I bumped into a real role model of mine, Louise Pentland (Sprinkleofglitter) while we were both alone and lost in the mall. I felt totally happy and comfortable to go up to her and say hi, and you know what? It was bloody fantastic. We walked and talked for about half an hour and she even bought me a cake pop at Starbucks. And it was so nice because IT JUST FELT REAL! As surreal as it was, it felt nice to just find someone who was also feeling a little lost in LA and who was going through some similar things it seemed. I adored it, I adored her in real life and it put me in a far far better headspace (SO THANK YOU LOUISE!). That moment is something I will definitely remember for a long old time. 

So. 

LA. The big Los Ang. The city of angels (incredibly debatable). 

LA.

Essentially, I'm a bit burnt, a bit teary eyed, and a bit hungry for some food and for some life, but through it all I'm finding something just a bit wonderful. 

4 days till LA (also known as, 'feelings are weird')

 


Do you ever close your eyes, and it really is as if you can hear the sound of the ocean. A roaring, thunder, as if your head really is caving in. I've spent the last hour in tears, reasons for which I cannot explain. Crying happens a lot these days, and I think that's just a part of growing up, perhaps. Realising that you are feeling things. Attempting to comprehend emotions, the in-goings and outgoings of existing. Realising actions have consequences, but being left with the question of what it is all worth.

Life has always felt a little scary-and feeling's weird, and though I am not afraid of it, there is something about being forced to live that can bring on full blown breakdown. I think today that's one of the mini epiphanies I have experienced. It's not the thought of never doing anything that's scary; it's actually getting up and moving and, well, doing stuff (for want of better words). We (am I projecting??) spend so long just sitting around pretending to live and dreaming of the things we'd rather be doing, promising ourselves that we'd jump at the opportunity to see our fantasies actualise. But when they do? That's when things get a bit frightening, because then life no longer has to live up to your expectations, but you have to live up to your life. You have to get out, you might leave people, you have to plunge headfirst into the unknown, often the uncomfortable. And all the while there's this inch of a whisper, asking what if I leap and don't land. What if you get given all your chances, and you fuck it up. My hope is that this will not be the case, but one can't help but wonder. Fear of failure and rejection is the most common among humans, and it takes more effort than imaginable to bury it fully- to dig up the ground beneath you, hide away your fears under damp earth and dance on it.

It's all these kind of thoughts that get to me, that mess with my head and leave me with damp eyes. These are the things that really frighten me.

Six months is only a short time. A blink and you've missed it/'oh how time flies' type of thing. But the oddity off a short time is that soon enough it becomes a long time, and suddenly you're looking back and you've realised years have passed. You're not a twenty year old breathing deeply before her computer screen, you don't laugh with the same lungs, or stare at the same walls. Perhaps you've moved on. Perhaps everyone else has. People have died, tears have been shed, lines have settled and life still hasn't been lived. One day you look back and realise time was passing all along, and that the people you loved were slowly forgetting each others names. With this in mind, it is important to look at a short period of time not just as a blip in your existence... but a seed. Which in itself is frightening, because again it requires something of you, it asks you to tend to life and to take action, which of course also means there is possibility of inevitable failure. It also means that you might end up growing in a direction you did not expect, and then still you end up apart from those you love, but at least you've gone somewhere. Who knows where it may take you.. a 'short time' is not an excuse to leave your life behind only to walk back to the mundane after some months of "freedom". It's a start. If you want it to be. And who knows what I want.

I've been musing on the expression 'out of the woods'. I think it's pretty apt really when existence is concerned. As with a forest, in life we are occasionally gifted with glimpses are the starry night. A glimpse at an endless eternity, time, something ethereal. Beneath a heavy canopy dappled patches of sunlight dance around, tease and taunt, as do our brief moments in the sun. A glimpse of the clearing. Revelation. I think we spend our whole lives in the woods really, and it's not until the very very end we find our way out. Then bathed in golden understanding we turn back to see everything we've walked through. Maybe we'll realise all the tears were worth it. At least they showed us something...

So...

Life is scary. Feelings are weird. Time is... let's not even go there. Just, god, move. get up and move and dance on it and feel stuff, because it is better than being twenty forever on the cusp of things and too afraid to lean that little bit forward. Don't make the mountain your enemy. Get out. Get up there instead.