A sadder side to travel and a reminder to me.

There are good days and there are bad days, always. Steps backward and forward and it's so easy get lost in each day as it happens.. I've think I've forgotten to look to the bigger picture. 

 

My problem is that I only ever wrote on the bad days. I write when I'm sad, I write things like this.. (Insert sad and mournful journal entry..)

"In this moment I am sad. I feel an overwhelming sense of loss for all the lives I could have lived. And it's so so shitty that I have to leave here, and then have to leave there, and maybe will never have a fixed place or a fixed people. Where I can ground myself and build something. The world is breaking my heart right now. I just don't know what I want." 

 

But today, no. Today has been a good day, and I think I'm starting to feel happy with the way things are, or at least realising that I should. I get so wrapped up in my own head but I am trying to let go a little bit. I'm trying to be good to myself and not sink. Recently I've really been struggling with the idea of home, and permanence and happiness. Being away from everything you know certainly teaches you a hell of a lot and is one of the most incredible blessings, but it also is scary to realise that no where has everything that you need. Or perhaps too many places have everything..

 

I have to keep reminding myself It is possible to be happy in more than one place because there is more than just one side to who you are. Instead of longing for what is not with you in this moment be grateful for what each place you belong in has to offer, and what part of yourself you can explore and grow there. 

 

Remember that clean air is good. Fresh grass is good. Barefoot is good, sun on your hands and water on your back is good. Tea. White sheets. Jumpers. Stickers. Plants, and candles. And sleep, sleep is good. Smokey lungs and and red wine and 4am is good too. But you don't have to have everything in the same place at the same time for life to be good. With all that there is and all that you are surely there is no room for sadness. I am learning to be happy with missing home, because it makes me so excited to go back and I am learning to be happy with the dread I have to leave Edinburgh bc of all that it has given me. I can be everything, just not at the same time, and I am okay with that. 

 

 

 

BALANCE.